10 years seriously 10 years?

10 years ago tomorrow was my very last Cross Country race ever in High School. Where did the last 10 years go? Life has completely and utterly flown by. I still remember that day like it was yesterday. It is the ONLY race that I threw up before because of nerves. It is also pretty much the only race that I felt like crying afterwards. I remember the whole bus ride home trying not to cry because of the bittersweetness of the moment. That day really was the beginning of the end of my senior year. It is when all of the "last times" really started. But honestly that day was so much fun, I couldnt of asked for a better last day. I loved all 6 years that I ran xcountry but senior year was definitely one of the best years. From being Captain, to winning Quabbin, to the last race at Franklin Park to Districts.
Nothing defined my high school (and part of middle school) career like running xcountry did. It was who I was back then. My life completely evolved around running. There is not a thing about those 6 years of my life that I regret at all. Most of that is because of who I became because I had great role models and found a place where I truly felt like I blonged. Early on in middle school that wasnt always true but when I started running xcountry I found that place that every kid looks for. I just hope someday that I give that same feeling of belonging to a student who really needs that too. It not only gave me somewhere to belong but it also gave me a lot of self confidence that I didnt have before. It gave me an identity and long lasting relationships. Relationships that continue strong to this day, and that mean the world to me. There really are so many things I learned during those years that I dont even know how to put them into words. One of the biggest things I learned was it doesnt matter what anyone else thinks as long as you are true to yourself. I had some amazing coaches both in xcountry and in track, who were and continue to be important in my life. They showed me what it means to be a good teacher and friend. Whats funny is back then I really took the life I had during those years for granted. I remember being in high school and complaining about how unpopular I was. What I didnt realize then was that I may not have had the most friends, and while I didnt get along with all my classmates, I had true friendships and respect from most of my classmates. I also had respect from my teachers. Looking back now I had absolutely no reason to complain then or to feel bad for myself for my "lack of friends". Running xcountry gave me so many opportunities that I wouldnt of had otherwise, the funny thing is I didnt want to join at first (believe it or not) My mom was the one who made me sign up for it in 7th grade because my older sister was in it and she thought it would be good for me. I dont think she thought I would end up loving it and being as obsessed with it as I became :). The opportunities it gave me were runnign at a Division 2 school (Assumption) and actually having college coaches interested in me coming to run on their teams which I didnt think was possible ever, runninng at Framingham State as well. All the friends I have made over the years both on my own teams and on other teams. going to running camp, Being accepted into a leadership program at Framingham State, All the people I have met at road races since then, and hopefully in the future running a marathon to raise money for Epilepsy. My doctors also believe running xcountry and track in hs is one of the only reasons my seizures didnt become prevalent earlier in my life. Running is what kept them away. All of those fun times (I have so many memories they would make this blog way too long to read in one sitting, which is why I am making a scrapbook) and all of the opportunities I got, all of my friendships, are what made those 6 years some of the best in my life. They are also why I think I become so sentimental over those years. I will never look back on xcountry with a negative thought.
Over the last few months while I have been on this soul searching trip there have been numerous occasions when I wished I was back at that age and running xcountry because the times were simpler and happier then. But now looking back I realized that as much as I have searched to find that person again, in many ways I am the same person. I still love many of the same things, I still care about people the way I did back then. I love to help people and even though I havent been consistent with it I still love to run. Since school started this year I have pretty much gone into a bit of a depression this year. I have tried my hardest to hide this from people including myself as I was in denial for a long time. I have had rough periods before but this was definitely bordering on a severe depression. So severe that when I was aware of it I was starting to worry myself but at the same time I couldnt have cared less about what was going on at the same time. Other than work I didnt want to do anything, I stopped taking care of myself for the most part, and I started to isolate myself from my family and even from some very good friends. I do not know what caused this for sure, I have some ideas but I am not ready to share them at this time. I also dont know what exactly began to bring me out of this depression. The good news is I am on my way out of this depression. I am no longer wishing I was someone else or somewhere else. I am back to looking at each day as a gift and am back to enjoying the things I used to do. I am really looking forward to the next year and the next 10 years after that. I am now ready to take life on and to stop being ashamed of who I had become. I am realizing that I have nothing to be ashamed of. Even though on occasion I still feel ashamed but no where near what I would feel before I came out of my depression. A lot of friends really helped me out over the last couple months without even realizing it. I promise to be out and about more and to be there for you like you have been there for me. Ok well I have pretty much spent my entire afternoon writing this, and I did want to get more done on my scrapbook as I have pretty much done nothing for it since school started. I know this was really long and if you are reading the end of this thanks for taking the time out of your day to care about what I write and am going through to read the entire thing. I really am a lucky young (even though my students keep telling me I am old) woman.

Confidence on the way up

Today was a good day. I completed my first 5k since May 2011. It felt absolutely amazing!!!! I really was slow as mollasses and it was my slowest 5k ever, but thats ok. I dont expect to get back to my 6 minute pace that I was at in HS again, I would just like to get down to my 8 or 9 minute pace. I dont expect that to happen right now, as I need to continue working on my endurance first. The best part of today was just really enjoying the run while it was happening. Another good thing happened when I got home from the race. I walked into my bedroom and saw my running trophies from HS/college. With my confidence down this summer and lately, there have been numerous times where I have looked at them and felt dissapointed in the person I have turned into and felt like I was letting soo many people down (this has gotten better as I have stopped worrying so much about others but it still happens on occasion.)To be honest there have been a couple times where I even doubted if I deserved them. That was on my worst days. Today I was able to walk into my room see those trophies and just feel proud of them and of myself. I am also gaining more confidence which is allowing my positive attitude that I had in hs, to come back. I am beginning to enjoy my life again and not worry about the little things. I am looking forward to continuing to run and maybe by this time next year I will be ready to run my first half marathon???? I am finally beginning to feel like I have reachable goals again, and that is what will keep me moving forward that and the wonderful support I have and continue to receive from my friends and family.



My soul has known all along that running is what I needed to move forward but my mind is what caused me to be stuck with all of my doubts and negative thoughts.



I know its going to take a while to competely leave this "dark period" behind me, but I am ready to leave it behind me instead of letting it define me and change me.

Race in 3 days

Hi Everyone, Dont worry I am alive lol. Sorry it has been so long since I last posted on here. The school year has been very hectic. I have lost track of my goal to take better care of myself this year. My running (consistenly I have been running some) has been set aside not consciously but as a side effect of me not taking better care of myself. Earlier today I was thinking should I really run the 5k this weekend. But I have decided to run it. I may not be able to run the whole thing straight through, but I know I can at least run 5 minutes walk 1 for the 3.1 miles. I need to do this for myself. I need to give myself a present and that present is going to be not giving up on myself. On twitter I follow a group called real runners which just has lots of quotes and one that popped up tonight was "Sometimes I just need to believe in me". Right now that quote couldnt be more true. I was starting to believe in me over the summer but I slipped back a little I think. So tomorrow I am going for a run, and spending the night taking care of myself. I normally volunteer on Thursdays but am going to take this THursday off as I need to be selfish for one night. This weeks goal : Run that 5K on Saturday am.It is in Shrewsbury and I have one this course once before (if they didnt change the route) and I remember most of it is actually pretty doable theres just a big hill near the end when youre already tired. But I know I can do it. I will blog again after the race to let you know how it felt.

balance

So when I came on to the site to start my new post, I realized I havent posted since August 14th. I definitely didnt mean to take that long off, there just has been a lot going on. Both good things and rough things. Great end of the summer time with my family. Both sisters dealing with health issues. Mom getting into a car accident and on a seperate occasion ending up in the ER due to vertigo. What a month August has been. It also caused me to have some self doubts about myself and my running. It is slowly getting better. I mean I went for a workout this morning and really wanted to go for a run this afternoon too, but had too much stuff to do around the apartment and for work tomorrow. I dont know what caused me to doubt myself so much. I really wish I knew. I also lost my momentum on my weight loss journey, I did keep going down but only by .6 or 1. I am slowly getting back on track and am realizing that even though I want to make other people proud (I really do want to make them proud) The only person who really matters when it comes to making someone proud is myself. That is the thing that I need to keep reminding myself of. I also saw this quote today " When you stop expecting people to be Perfect, you can like them for who they are" -Donald Miller. When I saw that quote it kind of hit me in the gut, because I immediately thought of how I could change just a couple words and it could be "When you stop expecting yourself to be perfect, you can like yourself for who you are." I am still working on not expecting myself to be perfect. For some reason I have started expecting myself to be perfect every moment of the day. That expectation of perfection just isnt working. It is making myself even more stressed and makes myself even more discouraged in everything I do. This will be a challenge to me this year. The other thing that is a challenge to me this year is taking care of myself. I have always always put others before myself. It is just part of my personality, that I take care of other people. I love taking care of others. Somehow in the last few years I have lost the ability/knowledge of how to balance taking care of others with taking care of myself. To be honest, I have a very hard time even figuring out how to balance the two. But knowing the challenges I have coming my way this year I am going to have to figure out how to balnce the two. This next month I am really going to focus on myself and this 5k race. When I was doing xcountry I loved the feeling I got after completing a 5k race. I was one of the few girls in my grade to do xcountry (even in college the team was only 7 girls) so it helped to make me special. It also made me proud of myself. When I dont want to go for a run because I am tired I am going to focus on that.

One of those days

So today is one of those days. I am feeling slightly depressed today and dont know why I really dont have anything to be depressed over. I had an interview for a full time teaching position today. I got a haircut yesterday and got my ears pierced today (for the second time, I havent worn earings in years so the holes closed up). I have been losing weight I have been working out, I am not where I want to be with that but I will get there. But I still am not happy today. I dont know why. It feels like I have every reason to be happy and I just dont know why Im not. Not knowing why I'm upset just makes me more upset. Today is just one of those days I really just feel like sitting here and crying. Why on a good week do I feel like crying? Why do I feel bad for not being happy me all the time. I mean I am Carolyn, everyone expects me to be the smiling upbeat one. The one they can go to. But how am I supposed to help people when I feel this way. Why do I feel bad for worrying my mom when I sound tired. I just feel sooo overwhelmed today. I have pretty much done nothing today (other then my interview) because I felt like this all day. I am going to go try and get one thing done. Maybe if I do that I will start feeling a bit better. Whats worse is that now I feel guilty for venting and writing this, when I know so many of my friends are going through a difficult time right now. Somedays I wonder is this cycle ever going to end? When will things improve?

Mission Statement

So the spring semester of my sophomore year at Framingham State I participated in a program called Emerging Leaders. Our big homework assignment was to create a mission statement in any way you like. I created a scrapbook. Any surprise to anyone? I have decided to share with you what my mission statement was in 2005. It was not numbered in my scrapbook but to make it easier to read on here I will number it.
1) I will look at things half full.
2) I will be strong and keep to my values.
3) Always be true to family and friends
4) Never forget where you've been
5) Follow your dreams (this had a picture of the 2003 Boston Marathon with it, my sisters attempt to take a picture of someone I knew running in it while I was cheering, since I was jumping too much to take it. I never got the picture I wanted but got lots of other good ones of people I dont know lol)
6) Do not be afraid of change
7) Welcoe each new day
8) Be the best teacher I can be
9) Never stop learning
10) Have faith in others
11) Never give up hope
12) Imagine the possibilities
13) Stay true to yourself
14) Remember the people who have helped you along the way. Teachers Family Friends Coaches
15) Enjoy Life
16) Quotes to live by:
- The difference between the old ballplayer and the new ballplayer is the jersey. The old ballplayer cared about the name on the front. The new ballplayer cares about the name on the back.
~ Steve Garvey
- Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.
~ John F. Kennedy
- The same should be true for other people not just your country
~ Carolyn Moran
- The Miracle is not that I finished but that I had the courage to start"
- The Penguin
Some of this I have stayed true to other parts I have not. But the analysis of this is a topic for another days post.

Focusing on me

This week I dont have any work until Friday which is the last tutoring sesion so even that will be easy. I have decided that this week I will focus solely on myself and not on whether or not I am dissapointing others. I have been reminded by a few friends over the last few weeks that they will love me no matter what and are proud of me already. That is one thing that I think is finally getting through my hard head. Yes I am stubborn and yes things tend to take a while to get through this thick skull of mine. But dont worry I am pretty sure that all of you telling me you love me no matter what is making its way through my brain. For the next week I am going to focus solely on what I need to get done and what I want to do during the week. Right now this is what I want to do this week 1) Workout 2) get my clothes ready for the school year 3) get myself organized 4) Get my haircut 5) Finish my scrapbook before school starts. I am going to spend this week focusing on working out. I am going to plan most days around that. I am currently planning to get my run in the morning (currently it is 2 miles but may end up being longer) then in the afternoon I will either do another 2 mile run or go for a walk. The reason I am starting this now is because I think even during the school year I can fit in 2 workouts. I know I can fit in at least a mile run in the morning then I can do my longer run in the afternoon. I am beginning to find the parts of me that I loved again. Running is bringing back my spirit. I am always looking forward to my runs. Running is really what keeps me emotionally steady. I dont know why I didnt realize that before but I am finally realizing it now. I think that I just had a rebellious period, where running was expected of me and it was almost all that was expected of me, so I didnt want to do it. Running became my identity, and I think it had been my identity for soo long, (From 7th grade on I was the runner and thats what I was known to by everyone I went to HS with) I guess when you are the only girl in your grade who runs it just naturally becomes your identity. Looking back now I am actually quite proud of that :). Running was something I worked extremely hard on and for. It also gave me so many of the relationships that I have today. From relationships I made at Nipmuc, to Assumption to Framingham. Those relationships are something I will never give up and will do anything for those people. For some reason after College I slipped back into the younger mentality of myself, just wanting to be considered popular. And at that moment I didnt consider running popular. Looking back I was just being stupid and going through a bit of a crisis as it was the first time in 9 years that I was not on a xcountry team. Being part of a team helped me feel like I was part of something and for the first time when I joined xcountry I felt like i was part of something. Senior year of college with not having this I had a bit of an identity crisis. I also had trouble when I graduated balancing the working Carolyn and the other Carolyn. I mean come on by May of 2008 I was working two jobs and that following November I was working a combined 60 plus hours a week. Which was not the best idea. I now know that i need to balance everything out. But just because I need to balnce things out doesnt mean that I dont have priorities. My priority needs to be my health not work (its always been work in the past) The way I am going to make my health my priority is running daily and finding many ways to destress. Oh I am going to get my haircut tomorrow or Tuesday so a new picture will be posted once I get it cut, reminiscing over HS xcountry pictures (look at my facebook page to see those) has made me miss the haircut I had senior year of xcountry. It was so easy to handle and was actually really cute. Or at least I thought so.

Reminiscing and positive attitude returning

So I pretty much spent today reminiscing over xcountry :). Thanks to a certain someone who wanted to see pictures :). Had a lot of fun, and even got some of my scrapbook done. I am writing in memories, and how bad is it that one of my memories is getting sick the day of the league meet and having to come in and tell Lisa (and yes Lisa I was actually kind of scared to tell you) I also remember how it went, she was really happy when she saw me (on my way to Mrs. Villa's room) then got scared for me (I had passed out at home) and dissapointed but not mad that I couldnt run (I shouldnt have been worried). For some things I have an absolutely amazing memory, for others not so much. Cross Country is one of those things I have a really good memory. Track too Michaela. Michaela I remember being upset that you were going to be my track coach because I wanted Lisa to stay being my track coach (once I realized she was staying for XC I was ok :)) and then being very happy that you were my coach once I met you. I only have through 8th grade partly done at the moment. Next comes 9th grade one of my best years in general :) Now you might think that this reminiscing would leave me feeling bad about where I am now, but it hasnt! It has actually left me feeling motivated for tomorrows run! I mean I ran a 5K (at Franklin Park) in 7th grade in 28:34, my place was 151/158 and look where I got to! I was running 5K's in 7 minute pace,Senior year when I ran the same course I came in 47th out of over 200 runners. I dont expect to get down to that again (if I do thats great)but it does leave me hope that I will improve :). It also has helped to remind me that the actual running and the commradere is what made me enjoy running so much and not the winning. It also has me looking forward to this week in general. I am also going into tomorrows weight watchers meeting knowing that I unfortunately didnt do my best this week. I am still working on the whole emotional eating thing, and this week was an emotional rollercoaster. That means I didnt pay the best attention to what I was eating. I will be happy with 1 pound weight loss but no matter what I will be fine with whatever happens as this week is a fresh start. I think I am starting to get some of my positive attitude back :). Also as I get further along on my scrapbook I will share some of the memories that I have put into the scrapbook.

An interesting night of revelations

So this post started by me writing down some positive thoughts for myself and ended up being a book. I do apologize about the length. There is no real introduction to it it just jumps right into it.
It is what YOU want to do NOT what other want/expect you to do. If I put less pressure on myself I will enjoy it more and look at it as something positive. I need to stop focusing on distance/time and start focusing on the fun/good feelings I get from it. In HS it wasnt winning that made it fun (even though it did help :) ). It was knowing that I gave it my all and the knowledge that I had accomplished something EVERY time I went for a run. I accomplished something that many people wouldnt even try. I think impressing people who didnt always consider xcountry and track a sport also was a benefit. Running with the team made it fun. I dont know what exactly has changed my outlook, but part of it has to do with looking back at my blog and messages with different friends. I realized I sounded like a whining little girl instead of the mature young (for now I still consider myself young) woman that I actually am. I am going to stop using my old self and pictures to compare myself to. I am going to use them as motivation instead. For instance the picture of my last race (as a high schooler) at Franklin Park. In this picture I am behing a girl with Lisa pointing at her telling me to catch her and you know what? I am pretty sure after looking at my results on Coolrunning that I actually did catch her. Even if I am wrong (there was one girl from that team ahead of me and one behind me when I finished) I know I had a great kick that day. That remains one of my all time favorite races and was an absolutely amazingly fun day. I cant remember a single day of xcountry or track that I didnt have fun, except when my coaches or parents were smart and forced me to miss a race due to illness or injury. Forces being the operative word as I was (and still am) very stubborn and thought I could run sick or with an injury. For instance in 8th grade when I passed out and my mom and doctor told me I could either go to school and watch the league meet (only league meet I ever missed) or go home and not even get to watch it. I was not happy but I didnt have a choice but not to run. I may be stubborn still (this drives my mom absolutely nuts) but I need to start using that stubborness for positive instead of negative. When I graduated High School I received a card ( I have many many cards that I receievd going back to age 11) which says:

Heres to the woman who know's where she's going and won't stop until she gets there, who knows not only what she wants from life but what she has to offer in return... Here's to the woman who expects no more from others than she is willing to give, who meets life's challenges head-on, and gracefully accepts both victories and disappointments... Here's to the woman who can be successful and self-confident without losing her ability to be understanding and compassionate. Here's to a very special woman- Here's to you.

Some how in the last 9 years that is the woman that I lost. The good news is I am ready to be her again. That doesnt mean there won't be challenges along the way, but I am finally ready to face those challenges head on. I will no longer cower from those challenges and just give up. I do not expect to be the same woman that I was in high school because no one ever is that same person as we all have to grow as we get older. Now I know this may seem like an amazingly fast turn around. I guess it is but it isnt complete. I just spent pretty much all night (I only slept 3 hours last night) on a soul searching mission, which is what allowed me to come up with all of this. I know I will still have bad days where I am frustrated or slightly depressed along this journey. But it will be ok. I know it will be ok because of the family and friends that I have. Ok I know this post is extremely long, thank you if you have read all the way to this point.

Setting goals and a positive outlook.

So lately my posts have been growing pretty negative. I dont want this blog to turn into a negative blogs. One of my friends has an amazingly positive blog even though it doesnt deal with the happiest of subjects. I also think I have been wallowing in self pity a lot lately and need to change that. I am a very lucky woman (I almost said girl but I am no longer a girl) and I have everything going for me. I need to get back to my positive outlook that I am so famous for :). So for the next few weeks I am going to post a new positive quote everytime I post and just some thoughts on it and at least one positive thing about my day that day. I go back to work on the 22nd, so I dont know how frequent posts will be after that because my goal is to stick to a strict schedule once school starts. Having a strict schedule really helps me keep my stress down and keep motivated with my running. Which will also help me sleep better which will help me at work. Of course the strict schedule will have to start after tomorrow because I am going to the Patriots game :) Can you tell I am excited??? I am also going to set myself a goal for each week with 1 longterm goal. My week goal this week is to run 2 miles 5 days this week with one long walk and one day off. Ok so here is todays good thing: I got to talk to a friend I havent talked to in a while which is always nice, she now lives in Delewarre and I havent seen her since she graduated the year before me from HS 10 years ago. I also had a pretty rough day but I am ending the day with a smile on my face so that is always a good thing :). Ok my quote for today is really a poem:

They Say Hard Times Make Us Stronger

The challenges you face
will bring you lessons
and change you in positive ways
you never imagined.
You will find that you are stronger
than you ever knew.
You will learn that you are loved
and cared for
and things can turn out okay-
even when it seems impossible.
You will find that even
the hardest times pass.
~ Jason Blume


I chose this poem because it really represents what I am going through right now. It also represents what I have learned. I think I forgot that I was loved by many more people than just my immediate family. Things are also turning out in a positive way. This week may be hard emotionally but it is making me stronger in the end. I am also looking forward to the next 12 days when I can really get my head on straight before I start to work because I know that this year will be slightly emotionally draining because of the kids I will be working with. Who I love dearly but I know its going to be an emotionally rough year for me. A good year too though :). OK I need to go finish getting ready for tomorrow and figure out how to get a workout in tomorrow, even if its just a 20 minute walk or a mile run.

Fear of failure

So today before my run I was pretty much over come with the need to have a good cry. Taking the advice of a good friend I let myself cry. I then went for my workout and didnt time it I just used the time to clear my head. I definitely didnt improveon my running but it felt good to clear my head. When I got back I wrote down everythign I thought of and this is what I wrote: I am realizing that one of the things holding me back is my fears. When did I become afraid of making mistake, trying something new or challenging. Also when did I become afraid of dissapointing others. Currently fear of failure and fear of letting others down are my biggest fears. I am sooooo afraid that if I fail or disapoint others then I will lose those people that mean the most to me. I never used to be afraid of anything. When did I become so afraid? Why did I become so afraid? When did I lose my self confidence? When did I start caring what anyone else thought about me? I think that was one of the best parts of me in hs, I didnt care what anyone thought about me I just did what I wanted to. But now all I can think about is will this upset someone else? Will this disapoint someone else? What if i fail? Will people look at me the same way? I hate that I have all this self doubt and I want to get rid ofi t but I really have no idea how to get rid of this self doubt and this fear of failure and dissapointment. I dont know what to do.

Late night musings

So I am unfortunately having a case of insomnia tonight. I fell asleep for about 90 minutes and then woke up again for some reason. I have spent the time watching the Olympics, watching Army wives and browsing Cool running, looking at my old times on the computer. Dont know if thats the best thing to do when I am tired, but I am also in a nolstagic mood. I think I am second guessing and understimating myself and my abilities. Like the other day, I did good with the 2 miles. But after half a mile I was already like I cant do this as I got to the first hill. I never used to be like that. I used to be the person who would try anything, and would accomplish anything she set her mind to. I need to get out of this mind set where I get convinced that I cant do something before I even try. Ok its now early am musings :) I need to figure out why I dont believe in myself and where all these negative thoughts are coming from. I am going to try and start today by when I run later tonight, not putting myself down before I run and just remembering that I am stronger then I think, at least I think I am.... This is going to take a while.

There is an I in this team, the team of me

So I am working on my scrapbook (finally for real this time :) ) and working on it has made me realize several things today. It has also put my life into a bit of perspective. The first thing I realized was I actually have accomplished a lot in my young (relatively) life. Looking at all of my cross country and track certificates, and trophies and other awards made me realize how much I have actually accomplished. If they were anyone elses awards or trophys I would tell them you have a lot to be proud of, so why am I not telling myself that? I think its because I am pushing it off as just being High school, and I have told myself it wasnt good enough and I was just a big fish in a small pond. Now I know everyone who knew me in HS is going to say are you nuts? But I have lost a lot of the self confidence that I had gained from track and cross country. Xcountry and track gave me sooo much more then just medals, trophies and awards though. They gave me self confidence, perserverance, discipline and friendships. They gave me self confidence because for the first time in my life I was good at something! Not only was I good at something but it helped me find my notch at school. I felt included, involved and wanted for the first time at school. It also helped that I had some very big cheerleaders between my coaches and my family. It taught me perserverance because in my very first race I fell down at the start of the race and majorly scraped up both my knees but kept running because I didnt know what else to do. Between that race and getting most improved at track that year, and then working hard over the summer and improving a lot in xcountry I realized that if I kept working at something you got better at it, and things would improve. It taught me discipline because I had to focus on my training, my diet and of course during the races. Summer training was the hardest part and thats when it really taught me discipline. These things are all great but one of the best things it gave me is wonderful friendships. Some of these friends are still around today, our friendship may have evolved but we are still friends. I loved going to meets and seeing friends I only saw a couple times a year. I lloved meating new friends at running camp and seeing them at meets. I loved the team. I loves making more friends in College because of Cross country. Friends I still talk to. I will always love my cross country experience especially from High school I mean come on I had a great team, and a coach who gave it everything she had even when we made it difficult. But you know what else I realized today? I have been living in the past, I have been comparing myself to the Carolyn of HS. I have been trying to find a Carolyn that is no longer there. I will never be the same Carolyn, I need to make myself new running memories. It is ok if I dont run as fast as I used to. I just need to get out there and run. I will never be the same mea because this version of Carolyn has been through sooo much more then the HS Carolyn. I now have a seizure disorder. I have lost even more friends then I had in HS. I have been through other health scares with my family. I have been through love and loss of love. I have been through the death of a student. So what I need to do is stop trying to find the old Carolyn and what made her happy. I need to find what will make me happy now as the new Carolyn. The other thing I need to do is stop worrying about what others think of me. I need to stop worrying about dissapointing people. This will be very hard because fear of dissapointment is one of the biggest fears of my life. I am afraid that if I do dissapoint my friends then they will no longer be my friends. That is the first time I have ever really said that outloud. I need to realize that if people havent stopped being my friends now,2, 5, 10 or 15 years later then they wont stop caring or being my friends I dont know when or where I lost that self confidence, but I need to find it again and I need to find it soon. I also need to stop comparing myself to others. My life is my own no one else is living the exact same life, This past week I worried way too much about everyone else, so for the next week I am going to focus solely on how I feel about everything. I have always been really gooad at the whole Idea of there is no I in Team, but it is time for me to realize that I need to focus on the team of 1 which is me, which means there is an I in team this time. I am done trying to please everyone. I will focus on pleasing myself, which chances are will knowing my true friends, will make them happy as well. I dont know why it took me till I was 27 to realize this but it did. So it is time to make up for lost time.

More thoughts

Ok so last night I wanted to scream. I am feeling a bit better this morning. Some of the stuff that made me want to scream is still going on so until that is fixed I will probably still be frustrated. I wont get into the details of it because I do owe the people involved that much. I will only get into my part of it. Basically drama keeps happening, even after someone says they have fixed it it keeps popping up. This then causes my mom to be really upset. Which then causes her to put more pressure on me, which then causes me to get frustrated. Even before my mom was upset yesterday, She was telling me I am her hero for running and working on my weight loss ( I do appreciate it but) which just puts a lot of pressure on me. It is like all these expectations are on me to be perfect. I dont like having to be the perfect middle child. I know this sounds weird to some, because I am one of the hardest people on myself, I am a perfectionist. But when that pressure comes from exterior sources I tend to shy away from it and almost resent it. What else is kind of ironic, is I want to make people happy, I want the to be proud of me, I want them to like the person I have become. One of my biggest fears is dissapointing my family and my close friends. Being a dissapointment is one of my biggest fears in life. I actually have had dreams about it. I am also in the process of getting a seond job but trying to make sure I have time ro run before I start my schedule. I am afraid that I will lose all the good I have done. I dont plan to work 7 days a week though. And by the end of today i will have plan for my running for the next 2 months to get me ready for a 5K. I do better when I have a goal in mind. Hopefully after that I will be able to do one 5k a month or every other month. I mean I used to do them once or twice a week during the summer. Ok i just realized its after 8 and I need to get to work. Thanks for listening today.

dont know what to say

For the most part today was a pretty good day, the evening on the other hand has made me want to do nothing but scream! At the same time I feel bad about getting upse over little things compared to what I know sooo many friends are dealing with. I am actually frustrated to the point of not being able to get what I want to say into words that will actually make sense to anyone else (or even to me) I will post more tomorrow. I just need to get this off my chest some if I am going to be able to relax tonight. I have found someone I can talk to about this but thats going to have to wait till next week (its better then a 5 month waiting list one place told me about). OK tomorrows post will be longer with more details I just needed to scream without screaming for tonight.

Finding Balance

This past weekend had its ups and downs. One of the best parts was just hanging out with my mom. I spent several hours out and about with her and talking her ear off. Yes you all know I am quite good at talking peoples ears off. The good part was she got time to talk to. One of the biggest things she said to me was to make sure I find a balance in my life, and to not only work on my physical body (losing weight and running) but also to look at my body Hollistically. She also said she was glad to see me getting excited about running again and not looking at it negatively. My mom is completely right about both of those things. With finding a balance, I have a tendency to start something (new or not new) and become obsessed with it. It then becomes my whole life. This entire past year it was obsessing about work, which helped me with work but I also think it hurt me in someways as I wasnt able to seperate myself from work and work stresses. In high school my obsession was definitely running (Michaela and Lisa how many times did I torment you guys with countdowns to track season starting?) I tried to balance it out with friends but I didnt always do a good job. In College is when this obsession switched to working, I hate to say it but I became a workaholic. Pretty much the more I was working the happier I was. Whats interesting is I can almost already feel myself becoming obsessed over this weight loss thing, and running. Now I know I need to find a spiritual way to heal my body as well. Now I am not saying religion when I say spirtual, I mean I may but that is something I need to figure out. I just mean i need to work on things like meditating, and different ways to relax and reflect. This may be connected to my running, as I love to do a lot of my thinking while I run or walk. I just have to remember to take care of my entire body. I am actually hoping that by the time I see my neurologist next in October that I will have enough weight that she ccan lower my medication dose. I know I will never be able to come off my meds but lowering the dose would be wonderful. So runnign is not just helping me lose weight but also helping me with different body systems. The other thing my mom said to me was that she was glad I am happier exercising again. I realized afterwards that what she said is true. For quite some time, I have been looking at running as something everyone else expects me to do and was forcing me to do. Somewhere in that negative attitude I lost perspective on how much I actually do love running. The runner in the picture below is the runner I want to become again. I dont necessarily mean that is how fast I want to be. I just mean I want to be the runner who loved running (on my way because I am once again upset when I cant get out for a run) and when I was running nothing else mattered! I could run forever and as long as I was giving it my best I was happy. I am very much looking forward to tomorrows workout and actually the rest of this summer because I can spend the time getting myself in a good place before the new school year starts.

dealing/ weight loss

So I have been in a better mood for the most part over the last few days. Dealing with some stuff at home, but not letting it get me down and since most of it doesnt involve me I am doing my best to not worry about it and to take care of myself. Most of you who know me know I am very good at putting others needs before mine. Like for instance today my family is going to the Patriots training camp at 1:30. I am supposed to go to a 11:00 weight watchers meeting, in the past I would have just skipped my weight watchers meeting to make it easier on everyone else. But this week I told my family I was going to the 10:00 meeting instead and would be at my parents by 12. And of course my parents were completely fine with this. Working on my mindset that I dont need to do everything for everyone or be everywhere for everyone is going to be difficult. There have often been times when I feel like I have to be home every weekend to help my parents and often put that above my own needs. Now my dad has often said he doesnt want to interfere in my plans but that doesnt mean that I understand and get that right away. It really has taken till I am 27 to realize that it is ok if I say no. And I still dont always remember that. I guess my mom really instilled her sense of helping others into me, now I just need to balance that with taking care of myself. As I sit here this morning, I am actually a bit nervous about my weight watchers meeting today.I know I have been exercising more then I normally do even though not as much as I would have liked. I also know I have been tracking my food like I am supposed to, but for some reason my mind is convinced I will fail when I get to my weigh in today. Last time I did weightwatchers I lived at homee and could check my weight daily with my parents scale (which wasnt always a good thing) The not knowing is really bothering right now, I guess I will know in just under 2 hours. Not having a scale at home is kind of good for me because I have focused more on the trying to become fit again instead of on the number on the scale. Ok time for me to go get ready before my meeting. I will update everyone later on on how I did at my meeting but it probably wont be till later tonight since I am going to Patriots training camp with my mom this afternoon. Have a good weekend everyone!

New Day

Yesterday was a rough day for me emotionally. But I am determined to make today a better day! I am going to head off to work and enjoy space camp this afternoon then come home and go for a run. I am going to go for this run enjoy it and feel good about it afterwards. I am also not going to let the little things bother me, like I normally do. I will also make a list of good things that happened to me today this afternoon. Thank you for all of the support yesterday. I will update everyone on how today goes later tonight/tomorrow am.

emotional rollercoaster

While so far I have done pretty well with getting pieces of my life back in order, I am still struggling with a lot of the emotional piece. Yes I have been exercising more, and I even joined weightwatchers this week. Both of those are great things but I am still feeling bad about myself, and to be honest I dont know why. Each day I am basically having an emotional tug of war with myself. For instance yesterday morning I ran a mile straight through for the first time in quite some time. I was ecstatic when I finished and for a while afterwards but by midday I was putting myself down again for being overweight and for only running a mile, and for just being me. I guess I thought that I would start feeling better about myself much sooner after I did all of this. But I dont not really. I mean everyone tells me how wonderful I am but I just dont feel like that. If I was so wonderful then why doesnt making new friends and keeping old ones come any easier to me? Why do I feel like crying right now even though I have wonderful job and have started working out again? I honestly done know what to do about it. There have been numerous times when I feel like im not making a difference and im not worth anyones time. I guess this upsets me the most because all i have ever wanted to do was make a difference in the world. I also have always wanted to be needed which I am not feeling very needed right now. To be honest there have been times where I thought that if I moved away no one would miss me or even realize I was gone. Most of the time I know that that isnt true but there are times where I feel like I dont matter to anyone other then my immediate family. The worst part of it is,I know I really have nothing to complain about when I look at other peoples lives but it doesnt help my mood. I am sorry for this being such a negatice blog but I had to get this out for me to hopefully turn this day around. Thanks again for listening to me vent.

9 years of my life linked to now

Wow! I just finished going through all of my running memorabilia (not including the wearable ones) and sorting it by high school and college. It kind of put running into perspective. Without sounding conceited, it also made me realize how much I actually accomplished in the 9 years that I did Cross Country and the 6 years I did track. I learned a lot of lessons about self-discipline, being a team player and always trying your hardest. Running cross country and track (and trying to do several field events, trying being the operative word) is actually what helped me find myself and my confidence as I made my way through High School. When I started 7th and 8th grade, I was definitely not one of the more popular kids, I had to switch two classes in 8th grade due to teasing by other students. But by the time I reached senior year I actually considered and still do consider the majority of the 111 kids that I graduated with my friends. Along with a lot of us growing up, I really feel that what made the biggest difference was the change in the way I carried myself. That is just one of the benefits that I gained from running. It looks like running is going to be a big part of finding myself again. Running also helped me to find friends outside of school. Looking back at all of my years running competitively, the accomplishment I am most proud of is the team winning the Quabbin Invitational my senior year. I thought I was going to die from happiness, after Lisa came running over to me with the news while I was getting the younger kids ready to run. I actually almost didn’t believe her at first. I think it meant so much to me because of how far the team had come from when I first joined in 7th grade. We were a small team that didn’t even have enough members to be split into a Junior Varsity and a Varsity. That is probably the only reason I made Varsity in 7th grade. I mean I joined in 7th grade because Amy was doing it, and I joined with no training other than running laps around my house when we fought (moms rule). I have been walking this week and feeling guilty that I was only doing 3 miles, and looked up maps for ways to do 6 miles or more. Then I realized that probably wasn’t a good idea. I finally have a way to look at where I am running wise without feeling guilty. I will look at it as if it is my seventh grade year all over again. I mean I didn’t run 10 ½ miles till I was going into my senior year at Foss camp. I joined weight watchers this weekend (again) and something my leader said really stuck with me, I believe she said it was an Allan Woody quote (I may be wrong) “The only thing that stands between me and success is me”. That really stuck with me because I think that’s something I used to live every day when I gave running my best shot all year long (and when I would annoy my coaches with a countdown to track and my parents with a countdown to cross country), However; I don’t think it is something I have been living since College. I have been blaming my failures on other people/things. I have also been using different things as excuses for my reasons for not succeeding (mainly my seizures). This weekend I caught myself trying to use many different things as an excuse not to go for a walk. It will be hard but I will stop myself from doing that anymore. Over this weekend I have also come up with some goals. My long-term goals are to be ready to run a 5k by the end of September and to lose 80 pounds (that one will take a while I know). My short term goal is to run 1 mile tomorrow. Now I plan to run the whole thing but I also will not put myself down if I have to walk a telephone pole or two. Thank you for listening to me ramble tonight I appreciate it.

Weekend Hiatus

HI Everyone, I am going to try and take the weekend off from technology other then my cell phone. Now this may change if I cannot get my phone to charge. I have a lot I want to accomplish this weekend and I feel like once I go on my blog or go on facebook I easily lose track of time and nothing gets accomplished. I have all these people telling me I can do it and now its time for me to tell myself I can do it I will spend this weekend doing that. I will update everyone on how this weekend went and how the running is going either Sunday night or Monday sometime.

Body Image and its effects

Body image is an interesting thing. The way your mind sees your body is never quite accurate. When I was in high school I used to think I was fat and ugly. The only part of my body I liked was my legs, as they were well defined from all of my running.   Looking back now I realize I wasn’t that fat and wasn’t ugly. I used to think that was why guys never looked at me, actually that is wrong I still think that how I look is why I haven’t found a decent guy and only seem to attract the jerks. Now I know I am overweight and don’t like the way I look.  The difference is now I am to the point of hating to look at myself in the mirror. I look at myself long enough to get ready but that’s it.  It also doesn’t seem to matter what my family tells me about me being cute.  Even when I did weight watchers and lost over 20 pounds (which I have since gained back) I still considered myself ugly and fat. I know my body image and my self- consciousness have caused me to place a lot of negativity on myself. It has also caused me to be shy, now I know everyone is going to say that they think I am outgoing. But I am only outgoing with people I know or trust, or around kids. I mean come on its not hard to be outgoing around kids or my friends or family. I have also become more introverted over the years. This blog is the first time  that I am openly expressing my feelings. I have always had to be the “strong one” in most of my relationships. I know that this is self-inflicted but it’s because I usually don’t want people to look down on me for being weak, since I already feel like people look down on me for my weight.  My feelings about myself have also helped me to become a home body,  I have become a home body so I don’t  have to show myself to others.  Subconsciously I am almost ashamed of myself and the way I look.  To turn this into a positive spin, I have set myself 2 goals for this week. My first goal is when I look at myself in the mirror tell myself at least one positive thing about myself. We will see how this goes as how I see myself is often affected by my moods as well.  If I were looking in a mirror right now I would have to start with the fact that I have gotten out for a workout three days in a row before today when the weather or threat of bad weather kept me inside.  That is my positive item today because it kind of reminds me of one of the quotes I love and would always read in Runners world each month when I was younger.  The quote is “The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start." John Bingham.  It also brings me to my second goal which is to keep the workouts coming over the next week.

The Debate

So today during my walk there was a debate going on in my head. The debate was all over my pace and keeping track of my times. I was also having a hard time not comparing myself to the high school Carolyn in regards to running. Then I realized part of this issue was because I am and always have been very competitive with myself and others. Even in high school, I always wanted to beat my time and to see myself at the top of the time sheets we would get after every cross country meet. Of course 9 years later I still have several of those time sheets with my 7 minute pace on them.  I mean I even have a box score from 7^th grade track with my two mile time on it.  Yes I know most people will think I am crazy but running cross country and track were some of if not my best memories from that 6 year period (7^th through 12^th). During my walk today I was looking at my pace (thanks to technology I could see it as I walked) and thinking of those time sheets and how much slower I was now. But then another part of me was telling me to realize that just getting out there was a good thing and to not worry about how fast I used to be or how slow I am now. I mean I don’t expect to get back to my 7 minute pace or faster than that. Honestly I would just like to get back to a 10 minute pace for now. I did run just over a quarter mile of today’s workout and I ran it at just under a 12 minute pace.  Luckily the voice telling me not to worry about how fast or slow I am is winning out this week. I just know it will be a constant fight to make sure it wins out in the long run.  

Running and feelings

Before I start todays post I need to say that I absolutely LOVE my parents and my sisters. I would not have made it as far as I have without them and even though I love them they are not privy to this blog. They are not privy to it because I would not be able to be as honest as I currently am being with all of you for fear of offending my family.  They will be getting most of this information but in a different way.

                Now onto the real post.  About an hour ago I finished Sunday dinner with my family. It was in Worcester at mine and Theresa’s apartment.  We had a pretty healthy meal consisting of turkey burgers and grilled veggies. We also had some pasta salad. No matter what I do though it doesn’t seem to be good enough for my mom because there are always 2 things she complains about when she comes over. The first thing is any treats I have in my fridge and the second thing which she brings up every time I see her and most times I talk to her on the phone is my weight issue.  Today the food in the fridge that she didn’t like was Apple pie. I bought an apple pie because we didn’t have one for the fourth of July and I was craving it. It hasn’t been opened yet and my mom went on a lecture about how I shouldn’t have even bought it and how I should just throw it away.  While Yes maybe I shouldn’t have bought it, I am not going to throw it away as that would be wasting both food and money. I came up with the idea of having some tonight then bringing the rest to share at work, but this seemed to upset my mom even more as she claimed I wasn’t really hearing her.  This of course then went on to the topic of my weight. This is an almost daily conversation with my mom and sometimes my dad as well.  She also complains that I don’t exercise enough (again I already know this is true). But I am beginning to think that a lot of this pressure may be while I have gained a negative attitude towards working out. It has become a matter of pleasing my family instead of pleasing myself.   For instance I was already planning a 2 mile run or whatever it would turn into for about 6:30 today but then my sister told my mom I was  going and all of a sudden there was all this pressure on this one workout session.  The moment they left I was emotionally drained and didn’t want to go.  The good news is everything is laid out so once I get finished with this post I will be ready to go. I have decided to blog before my run to try and get some of these negative feelings out before I go for my run/walk so I can hopefully enjoy it for what it is. I would also like to enjoy running again like I used to eventually. Running was such a big part of my life from seventh grade all the way through junior year of college which was my last cross country season.  I absolutely loved it and as my family could probably tell you if I went more then 2 days without running I was not always fun to be with. I also know I was a pain to my coaches the few times I was injured or sick and couldn’t be out there running with my team, especially when I knew I was missing meets.  I know these feelings of loving running are still there but are just masked by all of these negative feelings. The reason I know they are still there because my mom keeps trying to convince me to go  to a gym to get my exercise in but I can’t stand the idea of running on a treadmill. I am sure I will sign up for a gym eventually but not yet. The part of today’s dinner that really got me thinking about running and all these negative feelings is when after Theresa told my mom that we were going for a run I mentioned to her that I am planning to run the Fall Festival 5k in Shrewsbury at the end of September. This is something I had just decided on earlier today as I realized that I have always been the type of person who needs to have a goal in mind or know where they are going ( Possibly why I hate treadmills) to really accomplish much of anything. As of right now I don’t care what my time is, my only goal is will be to complete the full 5k without walking. That is something I haven’t been able to accomplish in several years.  My moms reaction : Well you better get yourself in shape fast, you have a very long way to go. And some other words of doubt. Which I kind of understand but what I needed more was just some positive feedback. Was that too much to ask?  It also made me want to be alone on my run (well that was the whole plan to begin with but my sister invited herself along). I did get the courage up to tell my sister (politely of course) that I do not want any company on my run. She understood and is letting me go by myself.  Ok well I am looking at the time I am going to get off of here and go get changed and then stretch so I don’t hurt myself on this run (See Michaela and Lisa I still can hear both of you in my head saying stretch well before you run). I have the map my run app on my phone now so I will post on facebook how I do on this run after I have finished and recovered sometime tonight. Before I forget have a great week everyone and for those of you who are going to be running/walking/any exercise outside I recommend doing it in the morning as it’s supposed to be a scorcher this week.

My 19th birthday present

 The year I turned 19 was an interesting year.  I had just finished my freshmen year at Assumption and would be starting at Framingham in the fall.   I had had a rough start to freshmen year but it ended pretty well.  During the year I had had some minor health issues which all of the nurse practitioners and doctors I had seen said it was from being exhausted. (this was the explanation given when I apparently "shook myself" out of my bed in my dorm room at school)  I had just gotten a nannying job for my pediatricians kids. I was ready for it to be a great summer. My body had other plans apparently. While babysitting I got the ringing in my ears that had become too familiar as it had been going on since Senior year of high school. The difference this time was it was accompanied by my left foot going numb as well. When the kids father got home I left  and drove myself straight to the doctors office which was also where my mom worked. The ringing in my ears and my foot going numb happened another time but this time it was while I was driving.  I called my mom to let her know I was coming and to have her fit me in. That day began the longest week of my life. Getting blood work done, getting EEG's done, and getting an MRI done.  Then the week of my 19th birthday I cant remember if it was the day before or the day after I got the phone call from my pediatrician, letting me know that I had seizures. I was in complete shock and had no clue what this meant for me.  I was immediately put on meds to control my seizures. The only good news I received was that I didn't have a brain tumor. I then went and met with my new neurologist.  The first appointment was very overwhelming, everything was about to change. We spent most of the appointment trying to find out what caused me to have seizures only to find out that I will probably never know what caused my seizures. That is one of the worst parts of it because I am the type of person who wants answers. The one thing that we did figure out was I had probably been having  seizures since at least 8th grade if not earlier. The reason we are pretty sure about 8th grade is because I passed out the day of the DVC meet but right before I passed out I lost my vision for a couple minutes as I walked up the stairs. And since my current seizures have to do with my senses (hearing specifically) my neurologist says it wasn't a far leap to assuming that I passed out because of a seizure. This started a very emotional couple of weeks for me.  I was still upset about the seizures but didn't know how to deal with it. While I didn't know how to deal with it, I of course kept my emotions to my self for the most part(one or two tearful phone calls were made to close friends).  I don't like to be a burden to my friends or my family. Because of this fear of being a burden I find I hide a lot and just try to put on the smile that everyone expects of me. Now I don't know why but I believe my diagnosis of seizure disorder and then subsequently having 2 Grand Mal seizures which ended in an ER visit, has made me almost afraid of life. Working to not be afraid of life is going to be one of my biggest challenges. Thank you for reading this, I am sorry about the length. It was just so much to explain and I know many of my friends don't know all of the details so if I was going to talk about this in the future everyone would need to have this background knowledge.

Identity crisis

Welcome to my first blog. I am starting a journey of trying to find myself and getting myself back in shape. I hope you enjoy it. I dont know how often I will blog but I will try for at least twice a week.

Less than a month after my 27th birthday, I find myself sitting here wondering two things 1) Where has the time gone, and 2) Where is the Carolyn that I used to be and loved.  10 years ago, I was spending the summer training for my senior season of cross country, which would be a very emotional season for me as senior year always is. Running was my life. I lived and breathed cross country and track.  Everything in my life was centered around these 2 sports. from my jobs to when I got my drivers license ( I couldnt take drivers ed right away because of cross country or track) At the time I did not think that I was very popular but I was happy.  I had my family, a small group of close friends and some absolutely amazing coaches! Who taught me so much more then just how to train and run a good race.  I was so confident and so ambitious, and I do not know when that changed. I have some ideas but I am not completly sure. I have definitely gone through a lot in the last 10 years. From losing a few friends to getting diagnosed with my seizures that I had apparently been living with since 8th grade when I passed out one morning.  In all of this I no longer recognize myself, I am no longer running, or even exercising, I am now the type of person who comes up with excuses to avoid anything challenging, and im not nearly as motivated. I am also not as outgoing as I tend to hide my emotions from everyone. I may just be starting on my journey of finding myself but the few things I do know are 1) I am at least able to realize I am not the person I used to be and I dont want the people who helped me so much and admire to see me like this even though I want to see them 2) that the first step in finding myself is to go for a run as running has always cleared my head. I may only be able to run for a few minutes at a time but I will do it. I apologize for this first post being all over the place, I just had so much to get out there and I still only barely skimmed the top of everything. Future posts will be more focused. To those of you who have taken the time out of your day to read this thank you!