There is an I in this team, the team of me

So I am working on my scrapbook (finally for real this time :) ) and working on it has made me realize several things today. It has also put my life into a bit of perspective. The first thing I realized was I actually have accomplished a lot in my young (relatively) life. Looking at all of my cross country and track certificates, and trophies and other awards made me realize how much I have actually accomplished. If they were anyone elses awards or trophys I would tell them you have a lot to be proud of, so why am I not telling myself that? I think its because I am pushing it off as just being High school, and I have told myself it wasnt good enough and I was just a big fish in a small pond. Now I know everyone who knew me in HS is going to say are you nuts? But I have lost a lot of the self confidence that I had gained from track and cross country. Xcountry and track gave me sooo much more then just medals, trophies and awards though. They gave me self confidence, perserverance, discipline and friendships. They gave me self confidence because for the first time in my life I was good at something! Not only was I good at something but it helped me find my notch at school. I felt included, involved and wanted for the first time at school. It also helped that I had some very big cheerleaders between my coaches and my family. It taught me perserverance because in my very first race I fell down at the start of the race and majorly scraped up both my knees but kept running because I didnt know what else to do. Between that race and getting most improved at track that year, and then working hard over the summer and improving a lot in xcountry I realized that if I kept working at something you got better at it, and things would improve. It taught me discipline because I had to focus on my training, my diet and of course during the races. Summer training was the hardest part and thats when it really taught me discipline. These things are all great but one of the best things it gave me is wonderful friendships. Some of these friends are still around today, our friendship may have evolved but we are still friends. I loved going to meets and seeing friends I only saw a couple times a year. I lloved meating new friends at running camp and seeing them at meets. I loved the team. I loves making more friends in College because of Cross country. Friends I still talk to. I will always love my cross country experience especially from High school I mean come on I had a great team, and a coach who gave it everything she had even when we made it difficult. But you know what else I realized today? I have been living in the past, I have been comparing myself to the Carolyn of HS. I have been trying to find a Carolyn that is no longer there. I will never be the same Carolyn, I need to make myself new running memories. It is ok if I dont run as fast as I used to. I just need to get out there and run. I will never be the same mea because this version of Carolyn has been through sooo much more then the HS Carolyn. I now have a seizure disorder. I have lost even more friends then I had in HS. I have been through other health scares with my family. I have been through love and loss of love. I have been through the death of a student. So what I need to do is stop trying to find the old Carolyn and what made her happy. I need to find what will make me happy now as the new Carolyn. The other thing I need to do is stop worrying about what others think of me. I need to stop worrying about dissapointing people. This will be very hard because fear of dissapointment is one of the biggest fears of my life. I am afraid that if I do dissapoint my friends then they will no longer be my friends. That is the first time I have ever really said that outloud. I need to realize that if people havent stopped being my friends now,2, 5, 10 or 15 years later then they wont stop caring or being my friends I dont know when or where I lost that self confidence, but I need to find it again and I need to find it soon. I also need to stop comparing myself to others. My life is my own no one else is living the exact same life, This past week I worried way too much about everyone else, so for the next week I am going to focus solely on how I feel about everything. I have always been really gooad at the whole Idea of there is no I in Team, but it is time for me to realize that I need to focus on the team of 1 which is me, which means there is an I in team this time. I am done trying to please everyone. I will focus on pleasing myself, which chances are will knowing my true friends, will make them happy as well. I dont know why it took me till I was 27 to realize this but it did. So it is time to make up for lost time.