The past year

As of Wednesday it's been a year since my car accident and it's been a year of many ups and downs. Obviously one of the lows was the seizure and accident itself. It was really scary and emotional. I’ve been driving all summer but it took me till a couple weekends ago to drive by where I had the accident. The accident also changed how I lived. I moved back home (thank god for family support) so I could get to and from work easier. I also had to stop living like there was nothing wrong with me. I have had to be realistic in terms of what my body can and cannot handle. I have to monitor my sleep, my stress and my exercise. I need a minimum 7 hrs. sleep (except on rare occasions) and have to keep my stress level to a minimum (not always the easiest thing for me to do) I also need (and love) exercise. I love to run (yeah yeah I know you’re sick of hearing that one) but I was told my goal of running a marathon was out of the question. I also was told that for the foreseeable future my goal of running a half marathon is out of the question as well. I know those are minor setbacks (devastating to me at the time not as much now) and I am enjoying just being able to run. As much as the accident changed my life I still know how lucky I am to be alive today.
There were many other low points this year, a lot of them having to do with my self-esteem, frustrations and lasting effects of the accident. This year has been really rough on me emotionally. Last year before my seizure I was finally feeling like I was in a great spot in life and then the accident happened. It made me feel like I had taken 3 steps backwards. I think that was a lot of my self-esteem issues really being triggered this year. I started getting frustrated with everything and thinking I wasn’t good enough. That is a cycle I have unfortunately been stuck in for a while not just this year. My emotions were definitely all over the place this year.
Saying all of that this year hasn’t been all bad  .There have been numerous great times and good things that have come out of the negatives this year. Obviously one of the best things that happened to me this year was becoming an Aunt for the first time! I love baby Michael so much. He is absolutely amazing and I couldn’t be any happier when I am with him. Also I am helping my sister get ready for her wedding in April. I am also changing my attitude on a number of things including my outlook on taking care of myself and what I can and cannot do. I am also looking at the positives more than the negatives. Another great positive this year is friends. I have made great friends at work as well as strengthened some of my longer friendships. My friendships are one of the things that really got me through this year. All of my friends have helped me out at one point this year. I love you all but really want to take the time out today to specifically thank two of you. Christina C and Lisa D, You are both amazing for some of the same reasons and some different reasons as well

Christina- So we first met at Market Basket, and who would have thought our friendship would have lasted this long. I didn’t but I am very glad it did! You have been there for me all year helping me to get out of the house and escape real life when I needed it. You even came and picked me up with 4 kids in your car when I couldn’t drive. You listen to me vent whenever I need it. Thank you for being there for me no matter how crazy I can be!

Lisa- I know I have said this before but thank you!! 17 years later (yes it was 17 years ago that I was in 7th grade) and you are still there for me. It means more than you know. It really has helped this year to know that someone else understood what I was going through at times. I really leaned on you a lot this year and you never seemed to mind. You always seem to know what to say to kick me out of the slump I am in. We may not get to see each other a lot but it is great knowing you are always there for me.

Sharing this picture because looking at it gives me a mental image of how strong I am and I need that reminder sometimes.

So this whole week I have really been struggling with many self-esteem issues. A lot of the time I have been focusing on the numbers of life instead of the moments of life. The numbers such as how much I weigh… how much weight I need to lose…. How skinny I used to be…. How slow I am now…. How fast I used to be. Well today I am going to try not to focus on the numbers even though I already looked at the scale this am. Even as I type this it is a struggle not to judge myself by those numbers. I got some great advice this week from an amazing friend who told me to focus on what would make me happy and made me realize that I need to figure out what that really is going to be and she also made me realize that I cannot let the rest of the world determine what that would be. So today I was cleaning my room and dusting off my trophies. It got me thinking about how happy I was in high school and why I was that happy in high school and how do I get back to being that happy. I realized that being skinny in high school ( I actually thought I wasn’t that skinny back then but now I realize I was at the weight I was because that weight was what was the best for my body when I was running that much) didn’t make me happy. I then started thinking about xcountry and track. I was definitely not always the fastest on the team but that’s ok. I have 9 trophies from HS sports and 1 from college. Only 2 of those are for being the MVR. The rest of the trophies are for most improved or a team/me award. Remembering that and how great it felt to get the team/me awards made me think about what it was that actually made me happy back then. It was my friends; it was my running and giving it all that I had. It was all the great times that being on the xcountry and track teams gave me. I have sooo many memories and they are all great. Running gave me so many opportunities in life. I met amazing people on other teams and at running camps. I had great coaches two of which have turned into great friends. Running also gave me a lot of self-confidence that I did not have before I joined in 7th grade. It also proved to me that I could do anything I set my mind to and that it’s ok to step outside your comfort zone. I even got to go to a division 2 school and run on the xcountry team there. Basically what this brought me back to is knowing what I want my goals to be for right now instead of numbers. Now don’t get me wrong I know I will always have down days/weeks/months whatever it may be but having these goals may help me keep focused on what’s most important in life. My running goal is to just be consistent and to give it all I have on that particular day. I am going to run for time for a while and try to not focus on pace……. Try to lol. But I am also going to just enjoy every run because as I found out with being told I can’t run marathons and most likely I can’t run half-marathons you never know when you won’t be able to run anymore and I don’t want to take it for granted. My other goal is to focus on eating healthy; I can’t even begin to think about keeping track of calories until my doctor gets back to me anyways. My third goal is to try and not put myself down so much. That will probably be the hardest goal for me as I still don’t have the greatest self-esteem and self-worth right now. But for now I am going to keep a journal and try and right down one thing I did positive every day or one thing I felt good about myself that day. We will see how this all goes. At the very least I know I will have my friends to keep me grounded and be there for me when I am really struggling with it.

What this week has me thinking about....

OK this week’s discussion about weight and self-worth has me thinking tonight. I know that I shouldn’t focus on my weight but sometimes it’s hard to remember that. I think it goes back to the whole comparing myself to others and who I used to be. I think what triggered it this week was my doctor’s appointment on Wednesday. It was at the office that I used to work at so that brought up the topic of comparing what I am doing now to what I was doing then. It also of course brought up the topic of weight. I am definitely over weight but I also need to remember that I am pretty healthy in other areas. I still have what I call my runners blood pressure. Basically its low enough that if it gets any lower they would be concerned about it except for the fact that since I started running in 7th grade it’s always been this low. Even with my seizure I still consider myself pretty healthy since they are back under control again. I am also relatively fit right now, obviously not as fit as I want to be but I am slowly working on it. I don’t know if I was so much comparing myself to others as I was to myself before I started gaining the weight. If I was comparing myself to anything other than myself it would be the “standard” of being skinny. Even though I admit I never really expect to be below 140. I used to hate the fact that I weighed that much in HS but now I realize that I was at a healthy weight for myself. I think I need to stop focusing on a specific number and just focus on what I want to do for myself on a weekly and then monthly and then yearly and for all of my life. One of those things will always be running, I just need to change my viewpoint from running competitively to running to stay healthy and just for the love of it. Which considering how competitive I can be may not always be the easiest thing. But I know I will have friends to keep me grounded and remind me about what is really important like you have all done this week.
The one thing I am still struggling with is how hard on myself I am. To be honest I don’t know why I am so hard on myself which makes it difficult to stop being so hard on myself. And yes I know I should stop being so hard on myself but first I need to figure out when I started being this hard on myself. Looking back to middle and high school I don’t remember being this hard on myself but Lisa and Michaela correct me if I am wrong. I don’t know when it switched and why I am. If I was talking to anyone else about what they were doing in their life, or running or about their weight I would tell them they are doing great and not to worry. But for some reason when it comes to telling myself that I just seem to be stuck. I think part of it may be because I feel like I don’t deserve all the praise, love and the admiration I get from my friends. It is much easier for me to give those things to my friends than it is for me to accept them from my friends and family. I am constantly afraid of disappointing someone, especially the people who have been there for me the longest. Yes I know you are all going to tell me not to worry about others but it’s hard not to when you worry about others because you care about them and then it turns into worrying about what they think of you and how you must be disappointing them. But I am also afraid of disappointing myself, which is why I think I second guess my goals and start putting myself down and saying no you can’t accomplish that. It just gets frustrating because I think then I go back to the whole comparing myself thing, which then means I don’t meet any of my own expectations of what I should be doing and where I should be in my life. So yeah it kind of becomes one big never ending cycle. Whats the worst about all of this is that if someone else was telling me all of this I would tell them they are crazy and they are doing wonderfully and to not worry about the way they look but focus on how they feel. But I cant seem to say that to myself. I tend to worry about how I look a lot lately because I don’t think I am pretty so I think maybe if I am skinnier I will be prettier. I guess what everything I have said here comes down to the fact that I don’t consider myself good enough and am struggling to become “good enough” but it is a goal I don’t think I can ever reach because I don’t know what “good enough” is. I don’t know who I want to be “good enough“ for either. Well I know some of it is because I don’t think I am a “good enough” friend to my friends out there and I feel like I am disappointing my friends by not being a “good enough” person and always feel like I want to say sorry to them for that. Then it turns into I don’t think I am a “good enough” runner and feel like I am disappointing myself and everyone who has ever been there for me in my running. I also don’t think I am a “good enough” person in general and don’t know how to fix that one at all. With my running I can try to keep improving (even though sometimes I don’t feel like I will ever be “good enough” in my running even with improving) but when it comes to being a “good enough” friend and person I don’t even know where to start. Will I ever be “good enough” in my point of view? Probably not……

Life

So I haven’t posted in a while but I felt like writing today so I did. It’s been over 6 months since my last seizure and almost 2 years since I started this blog. I started it with wondering what happened to the Carolyn I knew. Well for the first time in a long time I am really beginning to feel like my old self.
It turns out my seizure and the numbness in my toes after that were a blessing in disguise. I never would have looked at changing my med if I hadn’t realized the med wasn’t working and was causing side effects. The numbness is an obvious side effect, but there were side effects that weren’t so obvious to me. Some known side effects of carbetrol are it can make you groggy or depressed to the point of having suicidal thoughts. The suicidal thoughts are rare but it can happen. I luckily never reached this level of depression thank god! For me I didn’t feel any side effects at first but looking back I realized it was a slow change in my mood and energy level which is why I didn’t think anything of it. Now that I am off that med I realize how groggy it was making me. I have also since realized that I have been depressed a lot lately and the cause of that was mostly my medicine.
But for the first time in a long time I am feeling more and more like myself. I mean come on at heart I am on optimist; it just hasn’t been that way in a while. I also feel like I no longer have to put up a front and pretend to always be happy, because now for the most part (come on we all have our moments) I am honestly happy.
My energy level has also gone up a lot! I am actually caring about myself again. My running is going great (when my knee is bothering me lol). I feel like I am back to my competitive self when it comes to my running, as well as gaining some confidence in my running. Mostly when I say competitive I mean with myself, which is a good thing. Last Monday I went for a quick mile run and it felt so great! Because of all my negative thoughts I think I had been holding myself back and not just letting go and running. I may be slower but it felt like I was back in HS/College because of how much I enjoyed it.
This weekend both my Aunt and my sister’s boyfriend noticed the difference (they said how much happier I seem lately) in me and let me know it. Hopefully this trend continues but I will definitely be paying closer attention to myself and any subtle side effects that I may be having.
I also have been able to put my seizures in perspective. My seizures are not who I am and they don’t define me. What defines me is the way I handle my seizures as well as how I treat my friends and family, and how hard I work. I’d like to think I handle everything well and can be defined as a great person and friend. While my seizures do not define me, they are and always will be a part of me. I just have to use them to make me stronger. It can be a struggle especially without being able to dive LOL. For a while I felt like all of my independence had been taken away and I was really resenting that. Now though I see that driving isn’t the only way I am independent. That alone has helped out my relationships at home, and with friends. It took me a while to also realize I didn’t have to stay at home all the time, because I didn’t want to interfere with what anyone else has planned. Even though I am still working on that as I tend to put others needs above my own. This probably causes extra stress on me. But it’s just who I am, I love helping people and showing people how I feel about them, but again sometimes I do that forgetting my own needs. But I am working on balancing that with taking care of myself as well.
In a few weeks I find out when and if I will be allowed to drive again. Back in the months following the car accident I didn’t know if I ever wanted to drive again. I was so scared of the thought of what could have happened both to myself and others. Especially when I realized I was on the streets of Shrewsbury and not 290. It didn’t help that I have so many friends who run and walk outside and it made me realize I could have hit a pedestrian and it easily could have been someone I knew. However; I also realize that I can’t think about the what if’s or I’ll never get past the fear of driving again. To be honest I am still scared to drive. I know when I do get the ok (at the earliest on May 20th); I will take it one step at a time. It’ll take a while anyways since I have to deal with the RMV to get my license suspended.
Ok this post has turned into a rambling mess, but I hadn’t posted in so long that I had so much to say. So thanks for reading all of this :)

The last month

As you probably know by the last month (beginning on Oct 15th) has been one hell of a rollercoaster month. It began with my seizure/ car accident on the 15th. It has been a month since then (on Friday) and emotionally I am dealing with things I never thought I’d have to deal with. I knew the moment I had my seizure (well once I was conscious afterwards) that I wouldn’t be able to drive for 6 months. At this point in my life that is really no big deal as I have accepted that part of my life. I even accepted moving back in with my parents. What set me into a bit of a tail spin this month was my Neurologist telling me I would Never be able to run a marathon and in a year we would then discuss the possibility of me running a half marathon but that is still very unlikely. I have dreamed of running a marathon since Sr. year of HS. Before then I admired marathon runners but never pictured myself doing it and was content with my xcountry running. But senior `year someone I knew ran 2 marathons and then I went to a meeting about running one for charity (with my mom since it was her idea to try it then) where I met one of my college coaches. I ended up not doing it senior year so I didn’t mess with my last year of track. I then put it on hold through college between xcountry training and my studies. Then in 2011 I was going to fundraise (for the epilepsy foundation) and run in the marine corps marathon, but after realizing how much the fundraising would take and how much it would take to get down there I decided it wasn’t a good idea for that year. Now in 2013 when I was looking for a ½ this spring so I could run a full at Baystate in Oct 2014 I am told I can’t do that. I don’t know if it hurts so much because it has been a dream of mine and I feel like a piece of me is missing or because I feel like I am going to be letting people down (including myself) . At first after finding out this news the one piece of information I was holding onto was I can still run. However that is not completely true, as my running is being affected since I can only run on weekends righ now and if I am doing heavy housework/ yard work (like tearing up rugs this weekend) I can’t do both a run and the work. So this weekend the housework won out. It also won out because I think my mom is actually afraid of me going for a run. I just mentioned it on Saturday night and her first reaction was well see if you get enough sleep and then maybe you’ll go for a run. Before it would have been immediate reaction of ok how far are you going? The other part of my running being affected is I was determined that I could and would get as close to my HS times as I could. I am struggling with the idea that that will not happen. Now I didn’t expect to hit the sub 7 minute paces I was hitting in track and xcountry but I thought I sub 9 minute miles were possible. I know I am going to have to focus on what I can still do like walking to work, getting abs work in at night and enjoying every run I can get in. I know it probably sounds stupid that I am focusing on the running part. In my mind the whole not driving thing is what it is, I can’t change that. But in the 9 years I have been diagnosed with seizures running is the one thing I have been able to control. I mean come on they are pretty certain my running kept my seizures away (except for a little incident of passing out in 8th grade…. And a few episodes that we didn’t know were seizures at the time in HS) and now in my late 20’s the running could be adding to the cause of my seizure triggers. I know it wasn’t the running by itself but more the fact that I tend to only have two speeds when it comes to my running and training. The two speeds are not training really or full force all in. This last time full force all in consisted of getting up at 4:30 in the am to leave for the gym by 5 to get a 45 minute to 60 minute run in every day with strength training every other day. It also included a personal training session for an hour every Tuesday night. I know that I was running too much but I was eager to meet my goal and I thought I could handle it. This is literally the battle of my brain and my heart. My heart wants one thing and my brain is literally telling my heart “sorry I can’t handle that”. It is just hard to adjust to this new lifestyle, as the changes are coming fast and furious. That’s the thing about this disorder it can move to the next level in an instant. If I had known 6 months ago that I needed to cut back on my running then I would have, and would have been able to adjust to that by itself while also not having to adjust to not driving, moving, and the other changes I also have to make. My dad asked me the other am on the way to the train if I was adjusting ok. Although I quickly said yes I found it a hard question to answer. It was hard to answer because I am adjusting ok to living at home again. It’s this stupid change in running that I am having a hard time in adjusting to, as you can obviously tell by now. Someone recently reminded me that it could be worse, and she is right. I was so lucky in terms of the accident because the only lasting physical effect from the actual accident is the scar I have on my ankle. The only reason for that is because I somehow managed to slow the car down. I honestly have no recollection of any of it. I am also very lucky because I did not kill anyone. I definitely had an angel on my shoulder that night. It also could be worse because even though there is no cure for it and still no known specific cause (I hate neurological issues!) I also know that I am better off with than some people with a seizure disorder who have seizures every day. For the most part it doesn’t affect my daily life (basic living items only here) minus not driving for 6 months or more. It is affecting my running as I have obviously already mentioned. I also have something that rarely kills someone by itself. And for the most part I am pretty healthy. I know I need to just accept it all, but that is so much easier said than done. Every time I am in a good place and have accepted it, something else happens and changes everything. So one of my goals over the next six months is to accept all of these issues. I also need to stop focusing on what could have been and just focus on what is. Ugh ok I have been rambling for quite some time now as I am now on page 6 in this notebook. But before I finish this I have to talk about two groups of people, my family and my friends. My family as always has been amazing, there’s nothing else to say about that. In terms of my friends, wow! You guys have been amazing as well. Whenever I have needed to vent, advice, or just to talk about something else you are there for me. You guys are my pillars of strength and I really can’t say thank you enough. I could list all of your names but I don’t feel that is necessary as I believe (and really hope!) you all already know how special to me you are. Ok I know this has been really long but it is pretty much one month worth of feelings bottled up inside of me now being let out. If you managed to read this whole thing than thank you.

Rollercoaster of a week

Ok so this post will come as a surprise for many of you as I haven't made what happened this past week public knowledge. This past Tuesday night I got in my car to head home quickly to change before heading to my personal training class. I don't remember much but the last thing I really remember is driving through the center of Shrewsbury and getting onto 290. After that on ramp I don't remember much of anything other than being in and out of it on the way to the hospital. What caused me to end up in the hospital you ask? I had a seizure while driving. Physically I am ok, emotionally not so much. I have definitely been on a rollercoaster for most of this week. I am not going to be driving for 6 months unless my Dr. gives me permission ahead of time to drive. To be honest just thinking about this past Tuesday has me ready to break out into tears. My goal is to eventually not break into tears but to also not let it put me down. I cant let my seizures drive my life. I need to take my life back. Before I get any farther I need to say how great my family has been and is! They have been my rock through this all! My family doesn't just include my immediate family (who I really could never say enough about) but it also includes my friends who are as close to me as family could be. What has helped me this week is knowing what some of my friends go through and still continue to run and do their best on a daily basis. I know I wont be able to drive by myself and for 6 months and I wont be able to be fully independent till then but I am working on figuring out how I can be as independent as possible in the mean time. Still figuring that stuff out and I will keep people updated as we go. I am also going to do my best to not feel bad for myself and not feel sad. I know it'll take time but I will do the best I can to keep fighting and keep my positive attitude that I have had since elementary school!

Yes I am finally back to posting :). I have wanted to for a while but didn't know what to say. Well after seeing Runner's World Facebook post yesterday it got me thinking and I realized what this post would be about. The summer was busy but the last month has been crazy with starting my new job which is going well btw. Definitely a lot to learn but so far so good. OK now onto what I really want to write about. So yesterday Runner's World posted "throwback Thursday what was your first race" (paraphrasing). That got me thinking about my first race in 7th grade and it definitely made me laugh. My first race in 7th grade was at the Upton Rod and Gun club. It was a small invitational I think all I remember is that it wasn't a dual meet and there were at least 4 teams there. I don't remember anything before getting on the starting line. The moment the starting gun went off I got knocked down straight into a puddle. I of course got up right away and ran the 5k. No I don't know what my time was lol. What I didn't realize at first because of my adrenaline was that I had gotten cut when I fell. I think I noticed part way through the race. By the time I finished I was a little bit out of it and ended up getting sick in the bathroom and trying to clean the blood up... BUT I couldn't wait to do it again. When I first created this blog I was talking about wanting to find the "real" Carolyn. Well looking back at that race and the determination and persistence that I showed I realized I still have those same characteristics now! I mean if I didn't then I wouldn't have taken the risk in changing my career. The best thing about the new job isn't the new job its how it has changed my outlook on things and how I feel about myself. For the first time in a long time I am not feeling ashamed of myself and where I am in my life (this doesn't include the body image struggles as that's still an ongoing struggle) I am NOT saying I was ashamed of what I did, I am just saying that I always thought I would be further along in my life/career than I was and that always got me stressed and made me put myself down. I now realize that I wasn't further on in my career because I don't think my heart was fully into it anymore and hadn't been for a while. I just kept using the excuse that I wasn't qualified for anything other than teaching. I now know that that was wrong. Hey it took a while to figure it out but I figured it out :). Mentally and emotionally I am proud of myself and that part of my life. However the one part I still struggle with is my body and my self image. I know I am overweight but seeing pictures of myself and the fact that my 10 year reunion is in just over 2 months! That kind of freaked me out because I don't want to look the way I look now when I go to that. It sent me into such a state that I kind of did 3 workouts in one day last weekend on top of all the other crazy workouts I did the week before and after so my knee started hurting me. (its fine now :) ) I have to work on it from a more complete angle though. So that's going to be my struggle to work on. The new job got me off my training schedule, so I wont be competing in the Bay State half marathon next month but that's ok because I will be looking for another one to do later on. AND I WILL be doing the full marathon at Bay State next year so I can complete my goal of running one before I hit 30. I also don't have much time left to complete those goals. At least when I am training for my 1/2 over the winter I can think of my friends who will be training over the winter for Boston and I already have a few of them. Ok this post has gotten off topic a bit but that's ok :) Going to wrap it up now but I promise I WILL update more frequently.