OK this week’s discussion about weight and self-worth has me thinking tonight. I know that I shouldn’t focus on my weight but sometimes it’s hard to remember that. I think it goes back to the whole comparing myself to others and who I used to be. I think what triggered it this week was my doctor’s appointment on Wednesday. It was at the office that I used to work at so that brought up the topic of comparing what I am doing now to what I was doing then. It also of course brought up the topic of weight. I am definitely over weight but I also need to remember that I am pretty healthy in other areas. I still have what I call my runners blood pressure. Basically its low enough that if it gets any lower they would be concerned about it except for the fact that since I started running in 7th grade it’s always been this low. Even with my seizure I still consider myself pretty healthy since they are back under control again. I am also relatively fit right now, obviously not as fit as I want to be but I am slowly working on it. I don’t know if I was so much comparing myself to others as I was to myself before I started gaining the weight. If I was comparing myself to anything other than myself it would be the “standard” of being skinny. Even though I admit I never really expect to be below 140. I used to hate the fact that I weighed that much in HS but now I realize that I was at a healthy weight for myself. I think I need to stop focusing on a specific number and just focus on what I want to do for myself on a weekly and then monthly and then yearly and for all of my life. One of those things will always be running, I just need to change my viewpoint from running competitively to running to stay healthy and just for the love of it. Which considering how competitive I can be may not always be the easiest thing. But I know I will have friends to keep me grounded and remind me about what is really important like you have all done this week.
The one thing I am still struggling with is how hard on myself I am. To be honest I don’t know why I am so hard on myself which makes it difficult to stop being so hard on myself. And yes I know I should stop being so hard on myself but first I need to figure out when I started being this hard on myself. Looking back to middle and high school I don’t remember being this hard on myself but Lisa and Michaela correct me if I am wrong. I don’t know when it switched and why I am. If I was talking to anyone else about what they were doing in their life, or running or about their weight I would tell them they are doing great and not to worry. But for some reason when it comes to telling myself that I just seem to be stuck. I think part of it may be because I feel like I don’t deserve all the praise, love and the admiration I get from my friends. It is much easier for me to give those things to my friends than it is for me to accept them from my friends and family. I am constantly afraid of disappointing someone, especially the people who have been there for me the longest. Yes I know you are all going to tell me not to worry about others but it’s hard not to when you worry about others because you care about them and then it turns into worrying about what they think of you and how you must be disappointing them. But I am also afraid of disappointing myself, which is why I think I second guess my goals and start putting myself down and saying no you can’t accomplish that. It just gets frustrating because I think then I go back to the whole comparing myself thing, which then means I don’t meet any of my own expectations of what I should be doing and where I should be in my life. So yeah it kind of becomes one big never ending cycle. Whats the worst about all of this is that if someone else was telling me all of this I would tell them they are crazy and they are doing wonderfully and to not worry about the way they look but focus on how they feel. But I cant seem to say that to myself. I tend to worry about how I look a lot lately because I don’t think I am pretty so I think maybe if I am skinnier I will be prettier. I guess what everything I have said here comes down to the fact that I don’t consider myself good enough and am struggling to become “good enough” but it is a goal I don’t think I can ever reach because I don’t know what “good enough” is. I don’t know who I want to be “good enough“ for either. Well I know some of it is because I don’t think I am a “good enough” friend to my friends out there and I feel like I am disappointing my friends by not being a “good enough” person and always feel like I want to say sorry to them for that. Then it turns into I don’t think I am a “good enough” runner and feel like I am disappointing myself and everyone who has ever been there for me in my running. I also don’t think I am a “good enough” person in general and don’t know how to fix that one at all. With my running I can try to keep improving (even though sometimes I don’t feel like I will ever be “good enough” in my running even with improving) but when it comes to being a “good enough” friend and person I don’t even know where to start. Will I ever be “good enough” in my point of view? Probably not……
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