The last month

As you probably know by the last month (beginning on Oct 15th) has been one hell of a rollercoaster month. It began with my seizure/ car accident on the 15th. It has been a month since then (on Friday) and emotionally I am dealing with things I never thought I’d have to deal with. I knew the moment I had my seizure (well once I was conscious afterwards) that I wouldn’t be able to drive for 6 months. At this point in my life that is really no big deal as I have accepted that part of my life. I even accepted moving back in with my parents. What set me into a bit of a tail spin this month was my Neurologist telling me I would Never be able to run a marathon and in a year we would then discuss the possibility of me running a half marathon but that is still very unlikely. I have dreamed of running a marathon since Sr. year of HS. Before then I admired marathon runners but never pictured myself doing it and was content with my xcountry running. But senior `year someone I knew ran 2 marathons and then I went to a meeting about running one for charity (with my mom since it was her idea to try it then) where I met one of my college coaches. I ended up not doing it senior year so I didn’t mess with my last year of track. I then put it on hold through college between xcountry training and my studies. Then in 2011 I was going to fundraise (for the epilepsy foundation) and run in the marine corps marathon, but after realizing how much the fundraising would take and how much it would take to get down there I decided it wasn’t a good idea for that year. Now in 2013 when I was looking for a ½ this spring so I could run a full at Baystate in Oct 2014 I am told I can’t do that. I don’t know if it hurts so much because it has been a dream of mine and I feel like a piece of me is missing or because I feel like I am going to be letting people down (including myself) . At first after finding out this news the one piece of information I was holding onto was I can still run. However that is not completely true, as my running is being affected since I can only run on weekends righ now and if I am doing heavy housework/ yard work (like tearing up rugs this weekend) I can’t do both a run and the work. So this weekend the housework won out. It also won out because I think my mom is actually afraid of me going for a run. I just mentioned it on Saturday night and her first reaction was well see if you get enough sleep and then maybe you’ll go for a run. Before it would have been immediate reaction of ok how far are you going? The other part of my running being affected is I was determined that I could and would get as close to my HS times as I could. I am struggling with the idea that that will not happen. Now I didn’t expect to hit the sub 7 minute paces I was hitting in track and xcountry but I thought I sub 9 minute miles were possible. I know I am going to have to focus on what I can still do like walking to work, getting abs work in at night and enjoying every run I can get in. I know it probably sounds stupid that I am focusing on the running part. In my mind the whole not driving thing is what it is, I can’t change that. But in the 9 years I have been diagnosed with seizures running is the one thing I have been able to control. I mean come on they are pretty certain my running kept my seizures away (except for a little incident of passing out in 8th grade…. And a few episodes that we didn’t know were seizures at the time in HS) and now in my late 20’s the running could be adding to the cause of my seizure triggers. I know it wasn’t the running by itself but more the fact that I tend to only have two speeds when it comes to my running and training. The two speeds are not training really or full force all in. This last time full force all in consisted of getting up at 4:30 in the am to leave for the gym by 5 to get a 45 minute to 60 minute run in every day with strength training every other day. It also included a personal training session for an hour every Tuesday night. I know that I was running too much but I was eager to meet my goal and I thought I could handle it. This is literally the battle of my brain and my heart. My heart wants one thing and my brain is literally telling my heart “sorry I can’t handle that”. It is just hard to adjust to this new lifestyle, as the changes are coming fast and furious. That’s the thing about this disorder it can move to the next level in an instant. If I had known 6 months ago that I needed to cut back on my running then I would have, and would have been able to adjust to that by itself while also not having to adjust to not driving, moving, and the other changes I also have to make. My dad asked me the other am on the way to the train if I was adjusting ok. Although I quickly said yes I found it a hard question to answer. It was hard to answer because I am adjusting ok to living at home again. It’s this stupid change in running that I am having a hard time in adjusting to, as you can obviously tell by now. Someone recently reminded me that it could be worse, and she is right. I was so lucky in terms of the accident because the only lasting physical effect from the actual accident is the scar I have on my ankle. The only reason for that is because I somehow managed to slow the car down. I honestly have no recollection of any of it. I am also very lucky because I did not kill anyone. I definitely had an angel on my shoulder that night. It also could be worse because even though there is no cure for it and still no known specific cause (I hate neurological issues!) I also know that I am better off with than some people with a seizure disorder who have seizures every day. For the most part it doesn’t affect my daily life (basic living items only here) minus not driving for 6 months or more. It is affecting my running as I have obviously already mentioned. I also have something that rarely kills someone by itself. And for the most part I am pretty healthy. I know I need to just accept it all, but that is so much easier said than done. Every time I am in a good place and have accepted it, something else happens and changes everything. So one of my goals over the next six months is to accept all of these issues. I also need to stop focusing on what could have been and just focus on what is. Ugh ok I have been rambling for quite some time now as I am now on page 6 in this notebook. But before I finish this I have to talk about two groups of people, my family and my friends. My family as always has been amazing, there’s nothing else to say about that. In terms of my friends, wow! You guys have been amazing as well. Whenever I have needed to vent, advice, or just to talk about something else you are there for me. You guys are my pillars of strength and I really can’t say thank you enough. I could list all of your names but I don’t feel that is necessary as I believe (and really hope!) you all already know how special to me you are. Ok I know this has been really long but it is pretty much one month worth of feelings bottled up inside of me now being let out. If you managed to read this whole thing than thank you.