More thoughts

Ok so last night I wanted to scream. I am feeling a bit better this morning. Some of the stuff that made me want to scream is still going on so until that is fixed I will probably still be frustrated. I wont get into the details of it because I do owe the people involved that much. I will only get into my part of it. Basically drama keeps happening, even after someone says they have fixed it it keeps popping up. This then causes my mom to be really upset. Which then causes her to put more pressure on me, which then causes me to get frustrated. Even before my mom was upset yesterday, She was telling me I am her hero for running and working on my weight loss ( I do appreciate it but) which just puts a lot of pressure on me. It is like all these expectations are on me to be perfect. I dont like having to be the perfect middle child. I know this sounds weird to some, because I am one of the hardest people on myself, I am a perfectionist. But when that pressure comes from exterior sources I tend to shy away from it and almost resent it. What else is kind of ironic, is I want to make people happy, I want the to be proud of me, I want them to like the person I have become. One of my biggest fears is dissapointing my family and my close friends. Being a dissapointment is one of my biggest fears in life. I actually have had dreams about it. I am also in the process of getting a seond job but trying to make sure I have time ro run before I start my schedule. I am afraid that I will lose all the good I have done. I dont plan to work 7 days a week though. And by the end of today i will have plan for my running for the next 2 months to get me ready for a 5K. I do better when I have a goal in mind. Hopefully after that I will be able to do one 5k a month or every other month. I mean I used to do them once or twice a week during the summer. Ok i just realized its after 8 and I need to get to work. Thanks for listening today.