Body Image and its effects

Body image is an interesting thing. The way your mind sees your body is never quite accurate. When I was in high school I used to think I was fat and ugly. The only part of my body I liked was my legs, as they were well defined from all of my running.   Looking back now I realize I wasn’t that fat and wasn’t ugly. I used to think that was why guys never looked at me, actually that is wrong I still think that how I look is why I haven’t found a decent guy and only seem to attract the jerks. Now I know I am overweight and don’t like the way I look.  The difference is now I am to the point of hating to look at myself in the mirror. I look at myself long enough to get ready but that’s it.  It also doesn’t seem to matter what my family tells me about me being cute.  Even when I did weight watchers and lost over 20 pounds (which I have since gained back) I still considered myself ugly and fat. I know my body image and my self- consciousness have caused me to place a lot of negativity on myself. It has also caused me to be shy, now I know everyone is going to say that they think I am outgoing. But I am only outgoing with people I know or trust, or around kids. I mean come on its not hard to be outgoing around kids or my friends or family. I have also become more introverted over the years. This blog is the first time  that I am openly expressing my feelings. I have always had to be the “strong one” in most of my relationships. I know that this is self-inflicted but it’s because I usually don’t want people to look down on me for being weak, since I already feel like people look down on me for my weight.  My feelings about myself have also helped me to become a home body,  I have become a home body so I don’t  have to show myself to others.  Subconsciously I am almost ashamed of myself and the way I look.  To turn this into a positive spin, I have set myself 2 goals for this week. My first goal is when I look at myself in the mirror tell myself at least one positive thing about myself. We will see how this goes as how I see myself is often affected by my moods as well.  If I were looking in a mirror right now I would have to start with the fact that I have gotten out for a workout three days in a row before today when the weather or threat of bad weather kept me inside.  That is my positive item today because it kind of reminds me of one of the quotes I love and would always read in Runners world each month when I was younger.  The quote is “The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I had the courage to start." John Bingham.  It also brings me to my second goal which is to keep the workouts coming over the next week.