10 years seriously 10 years?

10 years ago tomorrow was my very last Cross Country race ever in High School. Where did the last 10 years go? Life has completely and utterly flown by. I still remember that day like it was yesterday. It is the ONLY race that I threw up before because of nerves. It is also pretty much the only race that I felt like crying afterwards. I remember the whole bus ride home trying not to cry because of the bittersweetness of the moment. That day really was the beginning of the end of my senior year. It is when all of the "last times" really started. But honestly that day was so much fun, I couldnt of asked for a better last day. I loved all 6 years that I ran xcountry but senior year was definitely one of the best years. From being Captain, to winning Quabbin, to the last race at Franklin Park to Districts.
Nothing defined my high school (and part of middle school) career like running xcountry did. It was who I was back then. My life completely evolved around running. There is not a thing about those 6 years of my life that I regret at all. Most of that is because of who I became because I had great role models and found a place where I truly felt like I blonged. Early on in middle school that wasnt always true but when I started running xcountry I found that place that every kid looks for. I just hope someday that I give that same feeling of belonging to a student who really needs that too. It not only gave me somewhere to belong but it also gave me a lot of self confidence that I didnt have before. It gave me an identity and long lasting relationships. Relationships that continue strong to this day, and that mean the world to me. There really are so many things I learned during those years that I dont even know how to put them into words. One of the biggest things I learned was it doesnt matter what anyone else thinks as long as you are true to yourself. I had some amazing coaches both in xcountry and in track, who were and continue to be important in my life. They showed me what it means to be a good teacher and friend. Whats funny is back then I really took the life I had during those years for granted. I remember being in high school and complaining about how unpopular I was. What I didnt realize then was that I may not have had the most friends, and while I didnt get along with all my classmates, I had true friendships and respect from most of my classmates. I also had respect from my teachers. Looking back now I had absolutely no reason to complain then or to feel bad for myself for my "lack of friends". Running xcountry gave me so many opportunities that I wouldnt of had otherwise, the funny thing is I didnt want to join at first (believe it or not) My mom was the one who made me sign up for it in 7th grade because my older sister was in it and she thought it would be good for me. I dont think she thought I would end up loving it and being as obsessed with it as I became :). The opportunities it gave me were runnign at a Division 2 school (Assumption) and actually having college coaches interested in me coming to run on their teams which I didnt think was possible ever, runninng at Framingham State as well. All the friends I have made over the years both on my own teams and on other teams. going to running camp, Being accepted into a leadership program at Framingham State, All the people I have met at road races since then, and hopefully in the future running a marathon to raise money for Epilepsy. My doctors also believe running xcountry and track in hs is one of the only reasons my seizures didnt become prevalent earlier in my life. Running is what kept them away. All of those fun times (I have so many memories they would make this blog way too long to read in one sitting, which is why I am making a scrapbook) and all of the opportunities I got, all of my friendships, are what made those 6 years some of the best in my life. They are also why I think I become so sentimental over those years. I will never look back on xcountry with a negative thought.
Over the last few months while I have been on this soul searching trip there have been numerous occasions when I wished I was back at that age and running xcountry because the times were simpler and happier then. But now looking back I realized that as much as I have searched to find that person again, in many ways I am the same person. I still love many of the same things, I still care about people the way I did back then. I love to help people and even though I havent been consistent with it I still love to run. Since school started this year I have pretty much gone into a bit of a depression this year. I have tried my hardest to hide this from people including myself as I was in denial for a long time. I have had rough periods before but this was definitely bordering on a severe depression. So severe that when I was aware of it I was starting to worry myself but at the same time I couldnt have cared less about what was going on at the same time. Other than work I didnt want to do anything, I stopped taking care of myself for the most part, and I started to isolate myself from my family and even from some very good friends. I do not know what caused this for sure, I have some ideas but I am not ready to share them at this time. I also dont know what exactly began to bring me out of this depression. The good news is I am on my way out of this depression. I am no longer wishing I was someone else or somewhere else. I am back to looking at each day as a gift and am back to enjoying the things I used to do. I am really looking forward to the next year and the next 10 years after that. I am now ready to take life on and to stop being ashamed of who I had become. I am realizing that I have nothing to be ashamed of. Even though on occasion I still feel ashamed but no where near what I would feel before I came out of my depression. A lot of friends really helped me out over the last couple months without even realizing it. I promise to be out and about more and to be there for you like you have been there for me. Ok well I have pretty much spent my entire afternoon writing this, and I did want to get more done on my scrapbook as I have pretty much done nothing for it since school started. I know this was really long and if you are reading the end of this thanks for taking the time out of your day to care about what I write and am going through to read the entire thing. I really am a lucky young (even though my students keep telling me I am old) woman.