An interesting night of revelations

So this post started by me writing down some positive thoughts for myself and ended up being a book. I do apologize about the length. There is no real introduction to it it just jumps right into it.
It is what YOU want to do NOT what other want/expect you to do. If I put less pressure on myself I will enjoy it more and look at it as something positive. I need to stop focusing on distance/time and start focusing on the fun/good feelings I get from it. In HS it wasnt winning that made it fun (even though it did help :) ). It was knowing that I gave it my all and the knowledge that I had accomplished something EVERY time I went for a run. I accomplished something that many people wouldnt even try. I think impressing people who didnt always consider xcountry and track a sport also was a benefit. Running with the team made it fun. I dont know what exactly has changed my outlook, but part of it has to do with looking back at my blog and messages with different friends. I realized I sounded like a whining little girl instead of the mature young (for now I still consider myself young) woman that I actually am. I am going to stop using my old self and pictures to compare myself to. I am going to use them as motivation instead. For instance the picture of my last race (as a high schooler) at Franklin Park. In this picture I am behing a girl with Lisa pointing at her telling me to catch her and you know what? I am pretty sure after looking at my results on Coolrunning that I actually did catch her. Even if I am wrong (there was one girl from that team ahead of me and one behind me when I finished) I know I had a great kick that day. That remains one of my all time favorite races and was an absolutely amazingly fun day. I cant remember a single day of xcountry or track that I didnt have fun, except when my coaches or parents were smart and forced me to miss a race due to illness or injury. Forces being the operative word as I was (and still am) very stubborn and thought I could run sick or with an injury. For instance in 8th grade when I passed out and my mom and doctor told me I could either go to school and watch the league meet (only league meet I ever missed) or go home and not even get to watch it. I was not happy but I didnt have a choice but not to run. I may be stubborn still (this drives my mom absolutely nuts) but I need to start using that stubborness for positive instead of negative. When I graduated High School I received a card ( I have many many cards that I receievd going back to age 11) which says:

Heres to the woman who know's where she's going and won't stop until she gets there, who knows not only what she wants from life but what she has to offer in return... Here's to the woman who expects no more from others than she is willing to give, who meets life's challenges head-on, and gracefully accepts both victories and disappointments... Here's to the woman who can be successful and self-confident without losing her ability to be understanding and compassionate. Here's to a very special woman- Here's to you.

Some how in the last 9 years that is the woman that I lost. The good news is I am ready to be her again. That doesnt mean there won't be challenges along the way, but I am finally ready to face those challenges head on. I will no longer cower from those challenges and just give up. I do not expect to be the same woman that I was in high school because no one ever is that same person as we all have to grow as we get older. Now I know this may seem like an amazingly fast turn around. I guess it is but it isnt complete. I just spent pretty much all night (I only slept 3 hours last night) on a soul searching mission, which is what allowed me to come up with all of this. I know I will still have bad days where I am frustrated or slightly depressed along this journey. But it will be ok. I know it will be ok because of the family and friends that I have. Ok I know this post is extremely long, thank you if you have read all the way to this point.