The last month

As you probably know by the last month (beginning on Oct 15th) has been one hell of a rollercoaster month. It began with my seizure/ car accident on the 15th. It has been a month since then (on Friday) and emotionally I am dealing with things I never thought I’d have to deal with. I knew the moment I had my seizure (well once I was conscious afterwards) that I wouldn’t be able to drive for 6 months. At this point in my life that is really no big deal as I have accepted that part of my life. I even accepted moving back in with my parents. What set me into a bit of a tail spin this month was my Neurologist telling me I would Never be able to run a marathon and in a year we would then discuss the possibility of me running a half marathon but that is still very unlikely. I have dreamed of running a marathon since Sr. year of HS. Before then I admired marathon runners but never pictured myself doing it and was content with my xcountry running. But senior `year someone I knew ran 2 marathons and then I went to a meeting about running one for charity (with my mom since it was her idea to try it then) where I met one of my college coaches. I ended up not doing it senior year so I didn’t mess with my last year of track. I then put it on hold through college between xcountry training and my studies. Then in 2011 I was going to fundraise (for the epilepsy foundation) and run in the marine corps marathon, but after realizing how much the fundraising would take and how much it would take to get down there I decided it wasn’t a good idea for that year. Now in 2013 when I was looking for a ½ this spring so I could run a full at Baystate in Oct 2014 I am told I can’t do that. I don’t know if it hurts so much because it has been a dream of mine and I feel like a piece of me is missing or because I feel like I am going to be letting people down (including myself) . At first after finding out this news the one piece of information I was holding onto was I can still run. However that is not completely true, as my running is being affected since I can only run on weekends righ now and if I am doing heavy housework/ yard work (like tearing up rugs this weekend) I can’t do both a run and the work. So this weekend the housework won out. It also won out because I think my mom is actually afraid of me going for a run. I just mentioned it on Saturday night and her first reaction was well see if you get enough sleep and then maybe you’ll go for a run. Before it would have been immediate reaction of ok how far are you going? The other part of my running being affected is I was determined that I could and would get as close to my HS times as I could. I am struggling with the idea that that will not happen. Now I didn’t expect to hit the sub 7 minute paces I was hitting in track and xcountry but I thought I sub 9 minute miles were possible. I know I am going to have to focus on what I can still do like walking to work, getting abs work in at night and enjoying every run I can get in. I know it probably sounds stupid that I am focusing on the running part. In my mind the whole not driving thing is what it is, I can’t change that. But in the 9 years I have been diagnosed with seizures running is the one thing I have been able to control. I mean come on they are pretty certain my running kept my seizures away (except for a little incident of passing out in 8th grade…. And a few episodes that we didn’t know were seizures at the time in HS) and now in my late 20’s the running could be adding to the cause of my seizure triggers. I know it wasn’t the running by itself but more the fact that I tend to only have two speeds when it comes to my running and training. The two speeds are not training really or full force all in. This last time full force all in consisted of getting up at 4:30 in the am to leave for the gym by 5 to get a 45 minute to 60 minute run in every day with strength training every other day. It also included a personal training session for an hour every Tuesday night. I know that I was running too much but I was eager to meet my goal and I thought I could handle it. This is literally the battle of my brain and my heart. My heart wants one thing and my brain is literally telling my heart “sorry I can’t handle that”. It is just hard to adjust to this new lifestyle, as the changes are coming fast and furious. That’s the thing about this disorder it can move to the next level in an instant. If I had known 6 months ago that I needed to cut back on my running then I would have, and would have been able to adjust to that by itself while also not having to adjust to not driving, moving, and the other changes I also have to make. My dad asked me the other am on the way to the train if I was adjusting ok. Although I quickly said yes I found it a hard question to answer. It was hard to answer because I am adjusting ok to living at home again. It’s this stupid change in running that I am having a hard time in adjusting to, as you can obviously tell by now. Someone recently reminded me that it could be worse, and she is right. I was so lucky in terms of the accident because the only lasting physical effect from the actual accident is the scar I have on my ankle. The only reason for that is because I somehow managed to slow the car down. I honestly have no recollection of any of it. I am also very lucky because I did not kill anyone. I definitely had an angel on my shoulder that night. It also could be worse because even though there is no cure for it and still no known specific cause (I hate neurological issues!) I also know that I am better off with than some people with a seizure disorder who have seizures every day. For the most part it doesn’t affect my daily life (basic living items only here) minus not driving for 6 months or more. It is affecting my running as I have obviously already mentioned. I also have something that rarely kills someone by itself. And for the most part I am pretty healthy. I know I need to just accept it all, but that is so much easier said than done. Every time I am in a good place and have accepted it, something else happens and changes everything. So one of my goals over the next six months is to accept all of these issues. I also need to stop focusing on what could have been and just focus on what is. Ugh ok I have been rambling for quite some time now as I am now on page 6 in this notebook. But before I finish this I have to talk about two groups of people, my family and my friends. My family as always has been amazing, there’s nothing else to say about that. In terms of my friends, wow! You guys have been amazing as well. Whenever I have needed to vent, advice, or just to talk about something else you are there for me. You guys are my pillars of strength and I really can’t say thank you enough. I could list all of your names but I don’t feel that is necessary as I believe (and really hope!) you all already know how special to me you are. Ok I know this has been really long but it is pretty much one month worth of feelings bottled up inside of me now being let out. If you managed to read this whole thing than thank you.

Rollercoaster of a week

Ok so this post will come as a surprise for many of you as I haven't made what happened this past week public knowledge. This past Tuesday night I got in my car to head home quickly to change before heading to my personal training class. I don't remember much but the last thing I really remember is driving through the center of Shrewsbury and getting onto 290. After that on ramp I don't remember much of anything other than being in and out of it on the way to the hospital. What caused me to end up in the hospital you ask? I had a seizure while driving. Physically I am ok, emotionally not so much. I have definitely been on a rollercoaster for most of this week. I am not going to be driving for 6 months unless my Dr. gives me permission ahead of time to drive. To be honest just thinking about this past Tuesday has me ready to break out into tears. My goal is to eventually not break into tears but to also not let it put me down. I cant let my seizures drive my life. I need to take my life back. Before I get any farther I need to say how great my family has been and is! They have been my rock through this all! My family doesn't just include my immediate family (who I really could never say enough about) but it also includes my friends who are as close to me as family could be. What has helped me this week is knowing what some of my friends go through and still continue to run and do their best on a daily basis. I know I wont be able to drive by myself and for 6 months and I wont be able to be fully independent till then but I am working on figuring out how I can be as independent as possible in the mean time. Still figuring that stuff out and I will keep people updated as we go. I am also going to do my best to not feel bad for myself and not feel sad. I know it'll take time but I will do the best I can to keep fighting and keep my positive attitude that I have had since elementary school!

Yes I am finally back to posting :). I have wanted to for a while but didn't know what to say. Well after seeing Runner's World Facebook post yesterday it got me thinking and I realized what this post would be about. The summer was busy but the last month has been crazy with starting my new job which is going well btw. Definitely a lot to learn but so far so good. OK now onto what I really want to write about. So yesterday Runner's World posted "throwback Thursday what was your first race" (paraphrasing). That got me thinking about my first race in 7th grade and it definitely made me laugh. My first race in 7th grade was at the Upton Rod and Gun club. It was a small invitational I think all I remember is that it wasn't a dual meet and there were at least 4 teams there. I don't remember anything before getting on the starting line. The moment the starting gun went off I got knocked down straight into a puddle. I of course got up right away and ran the 5k. No I don't know what my time was lol. What I didn't realize at first because of my adrenaline was that I had gotten cut when I fell. I think I noticed part way through the race. By the time I finished I was a little bit out of it and ended up getting sick in the bathroom and trying to clean the blood up... BUT I couldn't wait to do it again. When I first created this blog I was talking about wanting to find the "real" Carolyn. Well looking back at that race and the determination and persistence that I showed I realized I still have those same characteristics now! I mean if I didn't then I wouldn't have taken the risk in changing my career. The best thing about the new job isn't the new job its how it has changed my outlook on things and how I feel about myself. For the first time in a long time I am not feeling ashamed of myself and where I am in my life (this doesn't include the body image struggles as that's still an ongoing struggle) I am NOT saying I was ashamed of what I did, I am just saying that I always thought I would be further along in my life/career than I was and that always got me stressed and made me put myself down. I now realize that I wasn't further on in my career because I don't think my heart was fully into it anymore and hadn't been for a while. I just kept using the excuse that I wasn't qualified for anything other than teaching. I now know that that was wrong. Hey it took a while to figure it out but I figured it out :). Mentally and emotionally I am proud of myself and that part of my life. However the one part I still struggle with is my body and my self image. I know I am overweight but seeing pictures of myself and the fact that my 10 year reunion is in just over 2 months! That kind of freaked me out because I don't want to look the way I look now when I go to that. It sent me into such a state that I kind of did 3 workouts in one day last weekend on top of all the other crazy workouts I did the week before and after so my knee started hurting me. (its fine now :) ) I have to work on it from a more complete angle though. So that's going to be my struggle to work on. The new job got me off my training schedule, so I wont be competing in the Bay State half marathon next month but that's ok because I will be looking for another one to do later on. AND I WILL be doing the full marathon at Bay State next year so I can complete my goal of running one before I hit 30. I also don't have much time left to complete those goals. At least when I am training for my 1/2 over the winter I can think of my friends who will be training over the winter for Boston and I already have a few of them. Ok this post has gotten off topic a bit but that's ok :) Going to wrap it up now but I promise I WILL update more frequently.

So it’s been a really long time since I posted on here. The other day I posted on Facebook that I had fallen into a running rut. I am realizing now that it’s more of a life rut than anything else. I don’t know why but I continue to go through these cycles where I do well and then I fall back into old habits and emotional lows. It’s almost like I feel like I don’t deserve to be happy so I sabotage myself. Right now it’s the weight and running, pretty much my health in general. I was doing so great with the running but have not been doing great with it for the last month or so. Even when I was doing great with the running I wasn’t doing great with the eating part of it. Don’t get me wrong I have made attempts but those attempts always get interrupted by excuses that I come up with as to why I don’t have to do it today. Well all of those excuses have leaded me to be 208 lbs. 70 pounds heavier than I was in high school. Yes I just came out and said my weight on here, because if I don’t I won’t be honest with myself about how bad it has gotten. I have been avoiding the truth for a really long time. But I see the looks my friends are giving me. I know I have disappointed some because I have disappointed myself. I also know I have made several of my friends worry about me and I am sorry for that. I looked, really looked at my driver’s license picture for the first time in I don’t know how long. I haven’t gotten a new picture yet so it’s still the one from when I was 16. I was so skinny then, well not perfectly skinny but compared to now I was skinny. I was still slightly overweight in hs I was something like 140 which for my height is overweight. But I would love to be back to that size again. I know it will only happen if I put the effort in. I am going to have to make sure I run every day, (ok 6 days since I know I need to take a day off not to kill myself) and get in a second workout as well most days. I also will have to eat healthier and drastically cut down the amount of calories I am taking in, but if I cut out the junk that should be easy to do while still being healthy. I think having some time off will really help me get back on track. But only if I use the time off to my advantage. All the exercise will not only help me with my weight but will also help me mentally. I also need to stop letting myself give up and come up with excuses, I need to find the girl that never gave up in when I did xcountry and track. I also need to find the girl whose parents were told I’d never write correctly, never run correctly, never talk correctly etc and proved all of those doctors wrong. I don’t know where that part of me went but I will find it and I will find it sooner rather than later.

1 week to go

So in exactly one week from today, I will be running a 5K back at my old high school. Which my students have taken to calling Chipmunk :). I am so excited for it to finally be here. It is the first time in a long time that I have actually felt ready for a 5k. Its also the first time that I know in advance that I will be able to run the whole thing!! I also know the course by heart so that does help a bit. Especially since I pretty much know where all the mile markers along the way and since I had many a good times on that course in high school. many runs with great conversations, many times finishing along the soccer field (dont know exactly where the finish line is for next week) and kicking it in. I am also looking forward to seeing people I havent seen in 10 years. But I think the reason I am most excited about this 5k is the fact that I have stopped feeling bad about my running. I am proud of the work I have done just to get back to the spot I am at. I have started to run with confidence again! I have realized that it doesnt matter how slow or fast I am, I am still a runner, and thats not what people are going to care about. I am excited because for the first time in a long timee I am actually proud of myself. A lot of that has to do with the running and how it makes me feel about myself. It also has to do with the fact that I have started listening to what my friends have to say and taken it to heart. Another reason I am excited is I am using this 5k as a kickoff to start my training for my first half marathon! I think this is going to be a great week! Now I didnt do much today because I was exhausted and not feeling good, but I am heading to bed anyways so I can get up and get a run in in the am.

Running and not comparing

So I started this blog out by wanting to be the same person I was 10 years ago. Well I have realized I am not that same person and thats ok. I knew I wasnt the same person but it took me till last night to realize I had become ok with it. I have started seriously training for a 5k for the first time since college, every other 5k I have run since then I have just run and not worried about the training for it. This week was a pretty successful first week of training if I do say myself. All of my workouts went pretty well, especially last nights track workout which I surprised myself on with my times. But none of that is what made this week successful. What made this week successful is NOT once have I compared myself to the runner I was in HS/College. And NOT once have I cared that I am not that fast anymore. I have really just enjoyed the fact that I am running again. I have tried very hard every day to just be in the moment and enjoy that days run. I have also decided that I am splitting my PR times into two categories, before 2010 and after 2010. I was amazing in high school (or I think so anyways :) there were definitely people better than me but I couldnt be more proud of my HS career looking back on it 10 years later) and those will probably always be my fastest PR's (I mean I was running under 7 minute paces) But I need to start working on new PR's, because if I keep using those PR's as my measurement stick then I will always be reaching for a goal that isnt attainable. I am becoming very proud of the runner I am right now mainly because I havent given up even though I wanted to at points. I am at a new starting point in my training and who knows maybe I will eventually get below a 10 minute mile again but for now I am quite pleased with myself. To be honest getting to this point hasnt been all on me, its taken a lot of help from several friends who knew me then and know me now. Its also taken people telling me to stop focusing on the times and start focusing on how it feels. Now dont get me wrong I am very focused on being decently fast for this 5k in may. But I am not expecting miracles like I dont expect myself to be under 30 minutes. I am definitely focused on not embarrasing myself though since it is at my old high school where the only activity I was involved in was running for the most part. Thanks to a former teacher (aka Patty) though I have realized that I am going back as a successful young adult (I am still considered a young adult for a little bit longer right?? LOL) and that just seeing people will be fun. Let me just wrap this up by saying physically I may not be the runner I once was but mentally I still have the determination and toughness that I did in high school and this week has really shown me that, and just knowing that makes not being at the level I was then all right. BTW for my friends who didnt know me when I ran in HS or College, I become obsessed with running when I am really into it, hence all my running posts on facebook lately. I love talking about running, I guess I should have warned you guys ahead of time lol. :)

Then and Now: The Difference

So this past summer I attempted to get back into running. I wouldnt neccesarily say it was a complete failure but it definitely wasn't a success. There are many reasons for that. One of the biggest reasons is I WASNT ready for it emotionally and I cared too much about what others thought. It also felt like a chore at points to go for a run. Running from my point of view and experiences should never feel like a chore. That is because running is amazing and freeing. I also was not ready to give myself credit for the little things and to stop beating myself up over my weight, my looks, any little things I've done wrong and dissapointing others (or what I thought was dissapointing others) I have since realized that as long as I am doing my best and still being my caring self then I am not dissapointing anyone that matters. Yes people that has finally gotten through my thick skull. Another reason is I was not believing in myself, and when that happens it is very difficult for any of your goals to be accomplished. So those are all the main reasons it didnt work this summer. However; I can't say that this summer wasn't important because if I didn't have this summer I dont think I would be doing as well with running now. I also given up on worrying about dissapointing people, I still worry about losing their respect but thats different, and I still have people I worry about them being proud of me but I no longer let that determine my actions. Another reason I am succeeding is I am no longer beating myself up over a bad workout like last nights workout, it is what it is. I also just overall have a more positive attitude over things, I am also not afraid to ask for help when I need it and I have some great friends. I am also enjoying running the way I used to enjoy running when I was in middle and high school. When I am running there is nothing in the world that can bother me. Life is perfect at that moment, and when I am stressed there is nothing that can de stress me more so than running. Running has always been such a big part of my life I just tried to ignore it for a while. That obviously wasnt the best idea but it is back to being a huge part of my life and I couldnt be happier :) Now I just need to focus on staying motivated and stayin on my plan and all will be well. I dont know what type of shape I will be in in may but I am very much looking forward to the 5K at Nipmuc this may. Because I am finally realizing no matter how I run I can go back being proud of who I have become and the life I am living including working with kids.

Underestimating myself

So one thing I realized during and after todays workout was that I have been underestimating my abilities. I have been putting myself down and telling myself that I cant do it. Because of that I have been limiting what I have been trying to do. Todays run really proved to me several things 1) I can still do it :) 2) I am stronger than I think 3) I need to stop listening to my head all the time and listen to my heart more. I also just love to run, I know I have been driving my sister(and some friends, especially those who didnt know me before) with all my talking about running. But to be honest I am just feeling so good today and most of it has nothing to do with how long I ran today, it has more to do with the fact that I didnt give in to myself wanting to stop, and I didnt pay too close attention to the timer, I really just enjoyed running in its purest form. I am beginning to run with confidence again, and believe it or not I was smiling the whole time. And yes the competitor in me came out a little bit, when someone was on the treadmill next to me, but hey I think thats been ingrained in me since I was in 7th grade, except when youre on the roads its passing the shirts in front of you :) This week has been good for getting me back running on a daily basis but my challenge next week will be making sure I continue it when I go back to working two jobs. I definitely wont be walking to and from the gym every day but thatll just be an extra part of a workout. Overall I am feeling really good. Running definitely influences my mood as you can tell. Another thing I thought about today was how my doctors have always said that running when I was in middle school and High school is what probably kept my seizures under control and stopped them from showing up until Senior year (which is when I started noticing them not when I got diagnosed with them). I figure if I run again like I did then with the dedication that I gave it back then ( some people call it obsession I call it dedication), it cant do any harm and may even help my medicine to keep the seizures at bay. So overall, this has been a good week :) Its funny how 4 days,good workouts, advice from good friends, and lots of encouragement can change the way you look at things. I will never underestimate any of that. Thank you to everyone who has dealt with my changing moods and encourages me and is a sounding board as well :).

constant battle raging in my head

So I am getting myself running again as I have majorly slacked off this school year. I am going to the gym tomorrow to get a run in I dont know how long I will run but I am just going to get to the gym and just run. I was really motivated earlier today, and I am still motivated, but now I have all these negative thoughts going on in my head. I have all these little voices in my head right now telling me that I am no longer a runner and cant do it. I have literally been battling with my self mentally for the last several hours. I know that most of this is just inside my head and I need to ignore it but it is hard. I need to focus on how good it makes me feel when I am running and on my goal of completing that 5k in may back at Nipmuc 10 years after I graduated. I know I wont be as fast as I was then I just want to be proud of myself for completing the 5K and running the whole thing. I am hoping that being on vacation this week (from one job at least) and really being able to focus on myself including my running will help me get some of my confidence back. Until I get into the swing of things its going to be a daily struggle with myself and I just have to accept that. I also just have to put positive pictures in my head of myself doing well.

The last few months

It has been a very long time since I last wrote a post. A lot has happened since then. While I had done well focusing on myself this summer it pretty much fell apart shortly into the school year. I fell into a bit of a depression. I dont know what all of my triggers were but I do know some of them. It didnt help that due to my sisters car troubles I was pretty much living alone. I am not the type of person who should really be living alone. As most of you know I like to talk too much :) . I also began to seperate myself from my friends and family. I didnt do this on purpose but it happened. I put up a front so no one could see how horrible I was really feeling on the inside and how bad I was falling apart. It was pretty easy to do considering I made it so I only talked to most of my friends on facebook. Looking back I can see I was being a bit cynical because at the same time I was hiding my feeling and refusing to ask for help, I was telling my student every day that it was ok to ask for hel[ and to not be afraid to ask for help. Even at 27, I struggle with asking for help and wanting everyone to see me as this perfectly strong and independent woman. I struggle with anyone and I do mean anyone (even family) seeing my weaknesses. Out of all of my fears being considered weak is probably one of the biggest ones probably because being seen as weak then could lead to dissapointing friends and family. A combination of this fear and several other issues that I am not yet ready to get into (many of them are minor but just piled on top of each other) are what lead to my depression. my depression then lead to me beginning to fall apart again. I stopped taking the best care of myself. I stopped caring (or I told myself I did) what happened to me or what others saw. This made for a very few rough months in the beginning of the school year. I fell further and further into a depressed state. The good news is I am making my way out of it. Thanks to an intervention with my family and some wonderful help on their part from all ends. I stopped seeing myself as helpless, and started doing things for myself again. I started making goals for myself. I realy examined my life and looked into what was really important to me. All of this has made everything so much easier, I also have some amazing friends. many of whom didnt know what was really going on, but somehow it felt like they knew when I needed something from them, whether it was just saying hi and asking how things were going, reminding myself to take care of myself, or unkowingly sharing a quote that was something I needed to hear. I have started working out again (slowly but that will increase) I am going to run a half marathon in October. I am working 2 jobs and close to 70 hours a week, but it feels good. I feel like I am back on the right track. I am also making more of an effort to include my family and my friends into how I am doing/feeling. I am also making sure that even though I work 70 hours a week I plan things in that I can look forward to, like seeing friends over February break :). I know every week wont be good but as long as I keep working on it things will keep improving.