So it’s been a really long time since I posted on here. The other day I posted on Facebook that I had fallen into a running rut. I am realizing now that it’s more of a life rut than anything else. I don’t know why but I continue to go through these cycles where I do well and then I fall back into old habits and emotional lows. It’s almost like I feel like I don’t deserve to be happy so I sabotage myself. Right now it’s the weight and running, pretty much my health in general. I was doing so great with the running but have not been doing great with it for the last month or so. Even when I was doing great with the running I wasn’t doing great with the eating part of it. Don’t get me wrong I have made attempts but those attempts always get interrupted by excuses that I come up with as to why I don’t have to do it today. Well all of those excuses have leaded me to be 208 lbs. 70 pounds heavier than I was in high school. Yes I just came out and said my weight on here, because if I don’t I won’t be honest with myself about how bad it has gotten. I have been avoiding the truth for a really long time. But I see the looks my friends are giving me. I know I have disappointed some because I have disappointed myself. I also know I have made several of my friends worry about me and I am sorry for that. I looked, really looked at my driver’s license picture for the first time in I don’t know how long. I haven’t gotten a new picture yet so it’s still the one from when I was 16. I was so skinny then, well not perfectly skinny but compared to now I was skinny. I was still slightly overweight in hs I was something like 140 which for my height is overweight. But I would love to be back to that size again. I know it will only happen if I put the effort in. I am going to have to make sure I run every day, (ok 6 days since I know I need to take a day off not to kill myself) and get in a second workout as well most days. I also will have to eat healthier and drastically cut down the amount of calories I am taking in, but if I cut out the junk that should be easy to do while still being healthy. I think having some time off will really help me get back on track. But only if I use the time off to my advantage. All the exercise will not only help me with my weight but will also help me mentally. I also need to stop letting myself give up and come up with excuses, I need to find the girl that never gave up in when I did xcountry and track. I also need to find the girl whose parents were told I’d never write correctly, never run correctly, never talk correctly etc and proved all of those doctors wrong. I don’t know where that part of me went but I will find it and I will find it sooner rather than later.