One of those days

So today is one of those days. I am feeling slightly depressed today and dont know why I really dont have anything to be depressed over. I had an interview for a full time teaching position today. I got a haircut yesterday and got my ears pierced today (for the second time, I havent worn earings in years so the holes closed up). I have been losing weight I have been working out, I am not where I want to be with that but I will get there. But I still am not happy today. I dont know why. It feels like I have every reason to be happy and I just dont know why Im not. Not knowing why I'm upset just makes me more upset. Today is just one of those days I really just feel like sitting here and crying. Why on a good week do I feel like crying? Why do I feel bad for not being happy me all the time. I mean I am Carolyn, everyone expects me to be the smiling upbeat one. The one they can go to. But how am I supposed to help people when I feel this way. Why do I feel bad for worrying my mom when I sound tired. I just feel sooo overwhelmed today. I have pretty much done nothing today (other then my interview) because I felt like this all day. I am going to go try and get one thing done. Maybe if I do that I will start feeling a bit better. Whats worse is that now I feel guilty for venting and writing this, when I know so many of my friends are going through a difficult time right now. Somedays I wonder is this cycle ever going to end? When will things improve?

Mission Statement

So the spring semester of my sophomore year at Framingham State I participated in a program called Emerging Leaders. Our big homework assignment was to create a mission statement in any way you like. I created a scrapbook. Any surprise to anyone? I have decided to share with you what my mission statement was in 2005. It was not numbered in my scrapbook but to make it easier to read on here I will number it.
1) I will look at things half full.
2) I will be strong and keep to my values.
3) Always be true to family and friends
4) Never forget where you've been
5) Follow your dreams (this had a picture of the 2003 Boston Marathon with it, my sisters attempt to take a picture of someone I knew running in it while I was cheering, since I was jumping too much to take it. I never got the picture I wanted but got lots of other good ones of people I dont know lol)
6) Do not be afraid of change
7) Welcoe each new day
8) Be the best teacher I can be
9) Never stop learning
10) Have faith in others
11) Never give up hope
12) Imagine the possibilities
13) Stay true to yourself
14) Remember the people who have helped you along the way. Teachers Family Friends Coaches
15) Enjoy Life
16) Quotes to live by:
- The difference between the old ballplayer and the new ballplayer is the jersey. The old ballplayer cared about the name on the front. The new ballplayer cares about the name on the back.
~ Steve Garvey
- Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.
~ John F. Kennedy
- The same should be true for other people not just your country
~ Carolyn Moran
- The Miracle is not that I finished but that I had the courage to start"
- The Penguin
Some of this I have stayed true to other parts I have not. But the analysis of this is a topic for another days post.

Focusing on me

This week I dont have any work until Friday which is the last tutoring sesion so even that will be easy. I have decided that this week I will focus solely on myself and not on whether or not I am dissapointing others. I have been reminded by a few friends over the last few weeks that they will love me no matter what and are proud of me already. That is one thing that I think is finally getting through my hard head. Yes I am stubborn and yes things tend to take a while to get through this thick skull of mine. But dont worry I am pretty sure that all of you telling me you love me no matter what is making its way through my brain. For the next week I am going to focus solely on what I need to get done and what I want to do during the week. Right now this is what I want to do this week 1) Workout 2) get my clothes ready for the school year 3) get myself organized 4) Get my haircut 5) Finish my scrapbook before school starts. I am going to spend this week focusing on working out. I am going to plan most days around that. I am currently planning to get my run in the morning (currently it is 2 miles but may end up being longer) then in the afternoon I will either do another 2 mile run or go for a walk. The reason I am starting this now is because I think even during the school year I can fit in 2 workouts. I know I can fit in at least a mile run in the morning then I can do my longer run in the afternoon. I am beginning to find the parts of me that I loved again. Running is bringing back my spirit. I am always looking forward to my runs. Running is really what keeps me emotionally steady. I dont know why I didnt realize that before but I am finally realizing it now. I think that I just had a rebellious period, where running was expected of me and it was almost all that was expected of me, so I didnt want to do it. Running became my identity, and I think it had been my identity for soo long, (From 7th grade on I was the runner and thats what I was known to by everyone I went to HS with) I guess when you are the only girl in your grade who runs it just naturally becomes your identity. Looking back now I am actually quite proud of that :). Running was something I worked extremely hard on and for. It also gave me so many of the relationships that I have today. From relationships I made at Nipmuc, to Assumption to Framingham. Those relationships are something I will never give up and will do anything for those people. For some reason after College I slipped back into the younger mentality of myself, just wanting to be considered popular. And at that moment I didnt consider running popular. Looking back I was just being stupid and going through a bit of a crisis as it was the first time in 9 years that I was not on a xcountry team. Being part of a team helped me feel like I was part of something and for the first time when I joined xcountry I felt like i was part of something. Senior year of college with not having this I had a bit of an identity crisis. I also had trouble when I graduated balancing the working Carolyn and the other Carolyn. I mean come on by May of 2008 I was working two jobs and that following November I was working a combined 60 plus hours a week. Which was not the best idea. I now know that i need to balance everything out. But just because I need to balnce things out doesnt mean that I dont have priorities. My priority needs to be my health not work (its always been work in the past) The way I am going to make my health my priority is running daily and finding many ways to destress. Oh I am going to get my haircut tomorrow or Tuesday so a new picture will be posted once I get it cut, reminiscing over HS xcountry pictures (look at my facebook page to see those) has made me miss the haircut I had senior year of xcountry. It was so easy to handle and was actually really cute. Or at least I thought so.

Reminiscing and positive attitude returning

So I pretty much spent today reminiscing over xcountry :). Thanks to a certain someone who wanted to see pictures :). Had a lot of fun, and even got some of my scrapbook done. I am writing in memories, and how bad is it that one of my memories is getting sick the day of the league meet and having to come in and tell Lisa (and yes Lisa I was actually kind of scared to tell you) I also remember how it went, she was really happy when she saw me (on my way to Mrs. Villa's room) then got scared for me (I had passed out at home) and dissapointed but not mad that I couldnt run (I shouldnt have been worried). For some things I have an absolutely amazing memory, for others not so much. Cross Country is one of those things I have a really good memory. Track too Michaela. Michaela I remember being upset that you were going to be my track coach because I wanted Lisa to stay being my track coach (once I realized she was staying for XC I was ok :)) and then being very happy that you were my coach once I met you. I only have through 8th grade partly done at the moment. Next comes 9th grade one of my best years in general :) Now you might think that this reminiscing would leave me feeling bad about where I am now, but it hasnt! It has actually left me feeling motivated for tomorrows run! I mean I ran a 5K (at Franklin Park) in 7th grade in 28:34, my place was 151/158 and look where I got to! I was running 5K's in 7 minute pace,Senior year when I ran the same course I came in 47th out of over 200 runners. I dont expect to get down to that again (if I do thats great)but it does leave me hope that I will improve :). It also has helped to remind me that the actual running and the commradere is what made me enjoy running so much and not the winning. It also has me looking forward to this week in general. I am also going into tomorrows weight watchers meeting knowing that I unfortunately didnt do my best this week. I am still working on the whole emotional eating thing, and this week was an emotional rollercoaster. That means I didnt pay the best attention to what I was eating. I will be happy with 1 pound weight loss but no matter what I will be fine with whatever happens as this week is a fresh start. I think I am starting to get some of my positive attitude back :). Also as I get further along on my scrapbook I will share some of the memories that I have put into the scrapbook.

An interesting night of revelations

So this post started by me writing down some positive thoughts for myself and ended up being a book. I do apologize about the length. There is no real introduction to it it just jumps right into it.
It is what YOU want to do NOT what other want/expect you to do. If I put less pressure on myself I will enjoy it more and look at it as something positive. I need to stop focusing on distance/time and start focusing on the fun/good feelings I get from it. In HS it wasnt winning that made it fun (even though it did help :) ). It was knowing that I gave it my all and the knowledge that I had accomplished something EVERY time I went for a run. I accomplished something that many people wouldnt even try. I think impressing people who didnt always consider xcountry and track a sport also was a benefit. Running with the team made it fun. I dont know what exactly has changed my outlook, but part of it has to do with looking back at my blog and messages with different friends. I realized I sounded like a whining little girl instead of the mature young (for now I still consider myself young) woman that I actually am. I am going to stop using my old self and pictures to compare myself to. I am going to use them as motivation instead. For instance the picture of my last race (as a high schooler) at Franklin Park. In this picture I am behing a girl with Lisa pointing at her telling me to catch her and you know what? I am pretty sure after looking at my results on Coolrunning that I actually did catch her. Even if I am wrong (there was one girl from that team ahead of me and one behind me when I finished) I know I had a great kick that day. That remains one of my all time favorite races and was an absolutely amazingly fun day. I cant remember a single day of xcountry or track that I didnt have fun, except when my coaches or parents were smart and forced me to miss a race due to illness or injury. Forces being the operative word as I was (and still am) very stubborn and thought I could run sick or with an injury. For instance in 8th grade when I passed out and my mom and doctor told me I could either go to school and watch the league meet (only league meet I ever missed) or go home and not even get to watch it. I was not happy but I didnt have a choice but not to run. I may be stubborn still (this drives my mom absolutely nuts) but I need to start using that stubborness for positive instead of negative. When I graduated High School I received a card ( I have many many cards that I receievd going back to age 11) which says:

Heres to the woman who know's where she's going and won't stop until she gets there, who knows not only what she wants from life but what she has to offer in return... Here's to the woman who expects no more from others than she is willing to give, who meets life's challenges head-on, and gracefully accepts both victories and disappointments... Here's to the woman who can be successful and self-confident without losing her ability to be understanding and compassionate. Here's to a very special woman- Here's to you.

Some how in the last 9 years that is the woman that I lost. The good news is I am ready to be her again. That doesnt mean there won't be challenges along the way, but I am finally ready to face those challenges head on. I will no longer cower from those challenges and just give up. I do not expect to be the same woman that I was in high school because no one ever is that same person as we all have to grow as we get older. Now I know this may seem like an amazingly fast turn around. I guess it is but it isnt complete. I just spent pretty much all night (I only slept 3 hours last night) on a soul searching mission, which is what allowed me to come up with all of this. I know I will still have bad days where I am frustrated or slightly depressed along this journey. But it will be ok. I know it will be ok because of the family and friends that I have. Ok I know this post is extremely long, thank you if you have read all the way to this point.

Setting goals and a positive outlook.

So lately my posts have been growing pretty negative. I dont want this blog to turn into a negative blogs. One of my friends has an amazingly positive blog even though it doesnt deal with the happiest of subjects. I also think I have been wallowing in self pity a lot lately and need to change that. I am a very lucky woman (I almost said girl but I am no longer a girl) and I have everything going for me. I need to get back to my positive outlook that I am so famous for :). So for the next few weeks I am going to post a new positive quote everytime I post and just some thoughts on it and at least one positive thing about my day that day. I go back to work on the 22nd, so I dont know how frequent posts will be after that because my goal is to stick to a strict schedule once school starts. Having a strict schedule really helps me keep my stress down and keep motivated with my running. Which will also help me sleep better which will help me at work. Of course the strict schedule will have to start after tomorrow because I am going to the Patriots game :) Can you tell I am excited??? I am also going to set myself a goal for each week with 1 longterm goal. My week goal this week is to run 2 miles 5 days this week with one long walk and one day off. Ok so here is todays good thing: I got to talk to a friend I havent talked to in a while which is always nice, she now lives in Delewarre and I havent seen her since she graduated the year before me from HS 10 years ago. I also had a pretty rough day but I am ending the day with a smile on my face so that is always a good thing :). Ok my quote for today is really a poem:

They Say Hard Times Make Us Stronger

The challenges you face
will bring you lessons
and change you in positive ways
you never imagined.
You will find that you are stronger
than you ever knew.
You will learn that you are loved
and cared for
and things can turn out okay-
even when it seems impossible.
You will find that even
the hardest times pass.
~ Jason Blume


I chose this poem because it really represents what I am going through right now. It also represents what I have learned. I think I forgot that I was loved by many more people than just my immediate family. Things are also turning out in a positive way. This week may be hard emotionally but it is making me stronger in the end. I am also looking forward to the next 12 days when I can really get my head on straight before I start to work because I know that this year will be slightly emotionally draining because of the kids I will be working with. Who I love dearly but I know its going to be an emotionally rough year for me. A good year too though :). OK I need to go finish getting ready for tomorrow and figure out how to get a workout in tomorrow, even if its just a 20 minute walk or a mile run.

Fear of failure

So today before my run I was pretty much over come with the need to have a good cry. Taking the advice of a good friend I let myself cry. I then went for my workout and didnt time it I just used the time to clear my head. I definitely didnt improveon my running but it felt good to clear my head. When I got back I wrote down everythign I thought of and this is what I wrote: I am realizing that one of the things holding me back is my fears. When did I become afraid of making mistake, trying something new or challenging. Also when did I become afraid of dissapointing others. Currently fear of failure and fear of letting others down are my biggest fears. I am sooooo afraid that if I fail or disapoint others then I will lose those people that mean the most to me. I never used to be afraid of anything. When did I become so afraid? Why did I become so afraid? When did I lose my self confidence? When did I start caring what anyone else thought about me? I think that was one of the best parts of me in hs, I didnt care what anyone thought about me I just did what I wanted to. But now all I can think about is will this upset someone else? Will this disapoint someone else? What if i fail? Will people look at me the same way? I hate that I have all this self doubt and I want to get rid ofi t but I really have no idea how to get rid of this self doubt and this fear of failure and dissapointment. I dont know what to do.

Late night musings

So I am unfortunately having a case of insomnia tonight. I fell asleep for about 90 minutes and then woke up again for some reason. I have spent the time watching the Olympics, watching Army wives and browsing Cool running, looking at my old times on the computer. Dont know if thats the best thing to do when I am tired, but I am also in a nolstagic mood. I think I am second guessing and understimating myself and my abilities. Like the other day, I did good with the 2 miles. But after half a mile I was already like I cant do this as I got to the first hill. I never used to be like that. I used to be the person who would try anything, and would accomplish anything she set her mind to. I need to get out of this mind set where I get convinced that I cant do something before I even try. Ok its now early am musings :) I need to figure out why I dont believe in myself and where all these negative thoughts are coming from. I am going to try and start today by when I run later tonight, not putting myself down before I run and just remembering that I am stronger then I think, at least I think I am.... This is going to take a while.

There is an I in this team, the team of me

So I am working on my scrapbook (finally for real this time :) ) and working on it has made me realize several things today. It has also put my life into a bit of perspective. The first thing I realized was I actually have accomplished a lot in my young (relatively) life. Looking at all of my cross country and track certificates, and trophies and other awards made me realize how much I have actually accomplished. If they were anyone elses awards or trophys I would tell them you have a lot to be proud of, so why am I not telling myself that? I think its because I am pushing it off as just being High school, and I have told myself it wasnt good enough and I was just a big fish in a small pond. Now I know everyone who knew me in HS is going to say are you nuts? But I have lost a lot of the self confidence that I had gained from track and cross country. Xcountry and track gave me sooo much more then just medals, trophies and awards though. They gave me self confidence, perserverance, discipline and friendships. They gave me self confidence because for the first time in my life I was good at something! Not only was I good at something but it helped me find my notch at school. I felt included, involved and wanted for the first time at school. It also helped that I had some very big cheerleaders between my coaches and my family. It taught me perserverance because in my very first race I fell down at the start of the race and majorly scraped up both my knees but kept running because I didnt know what else to do. Between that race and getting most improved at track that year, and then working hard over the summer and improving a lot in xcountry I realized that if I kept working at something you got better at it, and things would improve. It taught me discipline because I had to focus on my training, my diet and of course during the races. Summer training was the hardest part and thats when it really taught me discipline. These things are all great but one of the best things it gave me is wonderful friendships. Some of these friends are still around today, our friendship may have evolved but we are still friends. I loved going to meets and seeing friends I only saw a couple times a year. I lloved meating new friends at running camp and seeing them at meets. I loved the team. I loves making more friends in College because of Cross country. Friends I still talk to. I will always love my cross country experience especially from High school I mean come on I had a great team, and a coach who gave it everything she had even when we made it difficult. But you know what else I realized today? I have been living in the past, I have been comparing myself to the Carolyn of HS. I have been trying to find a Carolyn that is no longer there. I will never be the same Carolyn, I need to make myself new running memories. It is ok if I dont run as fast as I used to. I just need to get out there and run. I will never be the same mea because this version of Carolyn has been through sooo much more then the HS Carolyn. I now have a seizure disorder. I have lost even more friends then I had in HS. I have been through other health scares with my family. I have been through love and loss of love. I have been through the death of a student. So what I need to do is stop trying to find the old Carolyn and what made her happy. I need to find what will make me happy now as the new Carolyn. The other thing I need to do is stop worrying about what others think of me. I need to stop worrying about dissapointing people. This will be very hard because fear of dissapointment is one of the biggest fears of my life. I am afraid that if I do dissapoint my friends then they will no longer be my friends. That is the first time I have ever really said that outloud. I need to realize that if people havent stopped being my friends now,2, 5, 10 or 15 years later then they wont stop caring or being my friends I dont know when or where I lost that self confidence, but I need to find it again and I need to find it soon. I also need to stop comparing myself to others. My life is my own no one else is living the exact same life, This past week I worried way too much about everyone else, so for the next week I am going to focus solely on how I feel about everything. I have always been really gooad at the whole Idea of there is no I in Team, but it is time for me to realize that I need to focus on the team of 1 which is me, which means there is an I in team this time. I am done trying to please everyone. I will focus on pleasing myself, which chances are will knowing my true friends, will make them happy as well. I dont know why it took me till I was 27 to realize this but it did. So it is time to make up for lost time.

More thoughts

Ok so last night I wanted to scream. I am feeling a bit better this morning. Some of the stuff that made me want to scream is still going on so until that is fixed I will probably still be frustrated. I wont get into the details of it because I do owe the people involved that much. I will only get into my part of it. Basically drama keeps happening, even after someone says they have fixed it it keeps popping up. This then causes my mom to be really upset. Which then causes her to put more pressure on me, which then causes me to get frustrated. Even before my mom was upset yesterday, She was telling me I am her hero for running and working on my weight loss ( I do appreciate it but) which just puts a lot of pressure on me. It is like all these expectations are on me to be perfect. I dont like having to be the perfect middle child. I know this sounds weird to some, because I am one of the hardest people on myself, I am a perfectionist. But when that pressure comes from exterior sources I tend to shy away from it and almost resent it. What else is kind of ironic, is I want to make people happy, I want the to be proud of me, I want them to like the person I have become. One of my biggest fears is dissapointing my family and my close friends. Being a dissapointment is one of my biggest fears in life. I actually have had dreams about it. I am also in the process of getting a seond job but trying to make sure I have time ro run before I start my schedule. I am afraid that I will lose all the good I have done. I dont plan to work 7 days a week though. And by the end of today i will have plan for my running for the next 2 months to get me ready for a 5K. I do better when I have a goal in mind. Hopefully after that I will be able to do one 5k a month or every other month. I mean I used to do them once or twice a week during the summer. Ok i just realized its after 8 and I need to get to work. Thanks for listening today.

dont know what to say

For the most part today was a pretty good day, the evening on the other hand has made me want to do nothing but scream! At the same time I feel bad about getting upse over little things compared to what I know sooo many friends are dealing with. I am actually frustrated to the point of not being able to get what I want to say into words that will actually make sense to anyone else (or even to me) I will post more tomorrow. I just need to get this off my chest some if I am going to be able to relax tonight. I have found someone I can talk to about this but thats going to have to wait till next week (its better then a 5 month waiting list one place told me about). OK tomorrows post will be longer with more details I just needed to scream without screaming for tonight.