So I haven’t posted in a while but I felt like writing today so I did. It’s been over 6 months since my last seizure and almost 2 years since I started this blog. I started it with wondering what happened to the Carolyn I knew. Well for the first time in a long time I am really beginning to feel like my old self.
It turns out my seizure and the numbness in my toes after that were a blessing in disguise. I never would have looked at changing my med if I hadn’t realized the med wasn’t working and was causing side effects. The numbness is an obvious side effect, but there were side effects that weren’t so obvious to me. Some known side effects of carbetrol are it can make you groggy or depressed to the point of having suicidal thoughts. The suicidal thoughts are rare but it can happen. I luckily never reached this level of depression thank god! For me I didn’t feel any side effects at first but looking back I realized it was a slow change in my mood and energy level which is why I didn’t think anything of it. Now that I am off that med I realize how groggy it was making me. I have also since realized that I have been depressed a lot lately and the cause of that was mostly my medicine.
But for the first time in a long time I am feeling more and more like myself. I mean come on at heart I am on optimist; it just hasn’t been that way in a while. I also feel like I no longer have to put up a front and pretend to always be happy, because now for the most part (come on we all have our moments) I am honestly happy.
My energy level has also gone up a lot! I am actually caring about myself again. My running is going great (when my knee is bothering me lol). I feel like I am back to my competitive self when it comes to my running, as well as gaining some confidence in my running. Mostly when I say competitive I mean with myself, which is a good thing. Last Monday I went for a quick mile run and it felt so great! Because of all my negative thoughts I think I had been holding myself back and not just letting go and running. I may be slower but it felt like I was back in HS/College because of how much I enjoyed it.
This weekend both my Aunt and my sister’s boyfriend noticed the difference (they said how much happier I seem lately) in me and let me know it. Hopefully this trend continues but I will definitely be paying closer attention to myself and any subtle side effects that I may be having.
I also have been able to put my seizures in perspective. My seizures are not who I am and they don’t define me. What defines me is the way I handle my seizures as well as how I treat my friends and family, and how hard I work. I’d like to think I handle everything well and can be defined as a great person and friend. While my seizures do not define me, they are and always will be a part of me. I just have to use them to make me stronger. It can be a struggle especially without being able to dive LOL. For a while I felt like all of my independence had been taken away and I was really resenting that. Now though I see that driving isn’t the only way I am independent. That alone has helped out my relationships at home, and with friends. It took me a while to also realize I didn’t have to stay at home all the time, because I didn’t want to interfere with what anyone else has planned. Even though I am still working on that as I tend to put others needs above my own. This probably causes extra stress on me. But it’s just who I am, I love helping people and showing people how I feel about them, but again sometimes I do that forgetting my own needs. But I am working on balancing that with taking care of myself as well.
In a few weeks I find out when and if I will be allowed to drive again. Back in the months following the car accident I didn’t know if I ever wanted to drive again. I was so scared of the thought of what could have happened both to myself and others. Especially when I realized I was on the streets of Shrewsbury and not 290. It didn’t help that I have so many friends who run and walk outside and it made me realize I could have hit a pedestrian and it easily could have been someone I knew. However; I also realize that I can’t think about the what if’s or I’ll never get past the fear of driving again. To be honest I am still scared to drive. I know when I do get the ok (at the earliest on May 20th); I will take it one step at a time. It’ll take a while anyways since I have to deal with the RMV to get my license suspended.
Ok this post has turned into a rambling mess, but I hadn’t posted in so long that I had so much to say. So thanks for reading all of this :)
