So it’s been a really long time since I posted on here. The other day I posted on Facebook that I had fallen into a running rut. I am realizing now that it’s more of a life rut than anything else. I don’t know why but I continue to go through these cycles where I do well and then I fall back into old habits and emotional lows. It’s almost like I feel like I don’t deserve to be happy so I sabotage myself. Right now it’s the weight and running, pretty much my health in general. I was doing so great with the running but have not been doing great with it for the last month or so. Even when I was doing great with the running I wasn’t doing great with the eating part of it. Don’t get me wrong I have made attempts but those attempts always get interrupted by excuses that I come up with as to why I don’t have to do it today. Well all of those excuses have leaded me to be 208 lbs. 70 pounds heavier than I was in high school. Yes I just came out and said my weight on here, because if I don’t I won’t be honest with myself about how bad it has gotten. I have been avoiding the truth for a really long time. But I see the looks my friends are giving me. I know I have disappointed some because I have disappointed myself. I also know I have made several of my friends worry about me and I am sorry for that. I looked, really looked at my driver’s license picture for the first time in I don’t know how long. I haven’t gotten a new picture yet so it’s still the one from when I was 16. I was so skinny then, well not perfectly skinny but compared to now I was skinny. I was still slightly overweight in hs I was something like 140 which for my height is overweight. But I would love to be back to that size again. I know it will only happen if I put the effort in. I am going to have to make sure I run every day, (ok 6 days since I know I need to take a day off not to kill myself) and get in a second workout as well most days. I also will have to eat healthier and drastically cut down the amount of calories I am taking in, but if I cut out the junk that should be easy to do while still being healthy. I think having some time off will really help me get back on track. But only if I use the time off to my advantage. All the exercise will not only help me with my weight but will also help me mentally. I also need to stop letting myself give up and come up with excuses, I need to find the girl that never gave up in when I did xcountry and track. I also need to find the girl whose parents were told I’d never write correctly, never run correctly, never talk correctly etc and proved all of those doctors wrong. I don’t know where that part of me went but I will find it and I will find it sooner rather than later.

1 week to go

So in exactly one week from today, I will be running a 5K back at my old high school. Which my students have taken to calling Chipmunk :). I am so excited for it to finally be here. It is the first time in a long time that I have actually felt ready for a 5k. Its also the first time that I know in advance that I will be able to run the whole thing!! I also know the course by heart so that does help a bit. Especially since I pretty much know where all the mile markers along the way and since I had many a good times on that course in high school. many runs with great conversations, many times finishing along the soccer field (dont know exactly where the finish line is for next week) and kicking it in. I am also looking forward to seeing people I havent seen in 10 years. But I think the reason I am most excited about this 5k is the fact that I have stopped feeling bad about my running. I am proud of the work I have done just to get back to the spot I am at. I have started to run with confidence again! I have realized that it doesnt matter how slow or fast I am, I am still a runner, and thats not what people are going to care about. I am excited because for the first time in a long timee I am actually proud of myself. A lot of that has to do with the running and how it makes me feel about myself. It also has to do with the fact that I have started listening to what my friends have to say and taken it to heart. Another reason I am excited is I am using this 5k as a kickoff to start my training for my first half marathon! I think this is going to be a great week! Now I didnt do much today because I was exhausted and not feeling good, but I am heading to bed anyways so I can get up and get a run in in the am.

Running and not comparing

So I started this blog out by wanting to be the same person I was 10 years ago. Well I have realized I am not that same person and thats ok. I knew I wasnt the same person but it took me till last night to realize I had become ok with it. I have started seriously training for a 5k for the first time since college, every other 5k I have run since then I have just run and not worried about the training for it. This week was a pretty successful first week of training if I do say myself. All of my workouts went pretty well, especially last nights track workout which I surprised myself on with my times. But none of that is what made this week successful. What made this week successful is NOT once have I compared myself to the runner I was in HS/College. And NOT once have I cared that I am not that fast anymore. I have really just enjoyed the fact that I am running again. I have tried very hard every day to just be in the moment and enjoy that days run. I have also decided that I am splitting my PR times into two categories, before 2010 and after 2010. I was amazing in high school (or I think so anyways :) there were definitely people better than me but I couldnt be more proud of my HS career looking back on it 10 years later) and those will probably always be my fastest PR's (I mean I was running under 7 minute paces) But I need to start working on new PR's, because if I keep using those PR's as my measurement stick then I will always be reaching for a goal that isnt attainable. I am becoming very proud of the runner I am right now mainly because I havent given up even though I wanted to at points. I am at a new starting point in my training and who knows maybe I will eventually get below a 10 minute mile again but for now I am quite pleased with myself. To be honest getting to this point hasnt been all on me, its taken a lot of help from several friends who knew me then and know me now. Its also taken people telling me to stop focusing on the times and start focusing on how it feels. Now dont get me wrong I am very focused on being decently fast for this 5k in may. But I am not expecting miracles like I dont expect myself to be under 30 minutes. I am definitely focused on not embarrasing myself though since it is at my old high school where the only activity I was involved in was running for the most part. Thanks to a former teacher (aka Patty) though I have realized that I am going back as a successful young adult (I am still considered a young adult for a little bit longer right?? LOL) and that just seeing people will be fun. Let me just wrap this up by saying physically I may not be the runner I once was but mentally I still have the determination and toughness that I did in high school and this week has really shown me that, and just knowing that makes not being at the level I was then all right. BTW for my friends who didnt know me when I ran in HS or College, I become obsessed with running when I am really into it, hence all my running posts on facebook lately. I love talking about running, I guess I should have warned you guys ahead of time lol. :)

Then and Now: The Difference

So this past summer I attempted to get back into running. I wouldnt neccesarily say it was a complete failure but it definitely wasn't a success. There are many reasons for that. One of the biggest reasons is I WASNT ready for it emotionally and I cared too much about what others thought. It also felt like a chore at points to go for a run. Running from my point of view and experiences should never feel like a chore. That is because running is amazing and freeing. I also was not ready to give myself credit for the little things and to stop beating myself up over my weight, my looks, any little things I've done wrong and dissapointing others (or what I thought was dissapointing others) I have since realized that as long as I am doing my best and still being my caring self then I am not dissapointing anyone that matters. Yes people that has finally gotten through my thick skull. Another reason is I was not believing in myself, and when that happens it is very difficult for any of your goals to be accomplished. So those are all the main reasons it didnt work this summer. However; I can't say that this summer wasn't important because if I didn't have this summer I dont think I would be doing as well with running now. I also given up on worrying about dissapointing people, I still worry about losing their respect but thats different, and I still have people I worry about them being proud of me but I no longer let that determine my actions. Another reason I am succeeding is I am no longer beating myself up over a bad workout like last nights workout, it is what it is. I also just overall have a more positive attitude over things, I am also not afraid to ask for help when I need it and I have some great friends. I am also enjoying running the way I used to enjoy running when I was in middle and high school. When I am running there is nothing in the world that can bother me. Life is perfect at that moment, and when I am stressed there is nothing that can de stress me more so than running. Running has always been such a big part of my life I just tried to ignore it for a while. That obviously wasnt the best idea but it is back to being a huge part of my life and I couldnt be happier :) Now I just need to focus on staying motivated and stayin on my plan and all will be well. I dont know what type of shape I will be in in may but I am very much looking forward to the 5K at Nipmuc this may. Because I am finally realizing no matter how I run I can go back being proud of who I have become and the life I am living including working with kids.

Underestimating myself

So one thing I realized during and after todays workout was that I have been underestimating my abilities. I have been putting myself down and telling myself that I cant do it. Because of that I have been limiting what I have been trying to do. Todays run really proved to me several things 1) I can still do it :) 2) I am stronger than I think 3) I need to stop listening to my head all the time and listen to my heart more. I also just love to run, I know I have been driving my sister(and some friends, especially those who didnt know me before) with all my talking about running. But to be honest I am just feeling so good today and most of it has nothing to do with how long I ran today, it has more to do with the fact that I didnt give in to myself wanting to stop, and I didnt pay too close attention to the timer, I really just enjoyed running in its purest form. I am beginning to run with confidence again, and believe it or not I was smiling the whole time. And yes the competitor in me came out a little bit, when someone was on the treadmill next to me, but hey I think thats been ingrained in me since I was in 7th grade, except when youre on the roads its passing the shirts in front of you :) This week has been good for getting me back running on a daily basis but my challenge next week will be making sure I continue it when I go back to working two jobs. I definitely wont be walking to and from the gym every day but thatll just be an extra part of a workout. Overall I am feeling really good. Running definitely influences my mood as you can tell. Another thing I thought about today was how my doctors have always said that running when I was in middle school and High school is what probably kept my seizures under control and stopped them from showing up until Senior year (which is when I started noticing them not when I got diagnosed with them). I figure if I run again like I did then with the dedication that I gave it back then ( some people call it obsession I call it dedication), it cant do any harm and may even help my medicine to keep the seizures at bay. So overall, this has been a good week :) Its funny how 4 days,good workouts, advice from good friends, and lots of encouragement can change the way you look at things. I will never underestimate any of that. Thank you to everyone who has dealt with my changing moods and encourages me and is a sounding board as well :).

constant battle raging in my head

So I am getting myself running again as I have majorly slacked off this school year. I am going to the gym tomorrow to get a run in I dont know how long I will run but I am just going to get to the gym and just run. I was really motivated earlier today, and I am still motivated, but now I have all these negative thoughts going on in my head. I have all these little voices in my head right now telling me that I am no longer a runner and cant do it. I have literally been battling with my self mentally for the last several hours. I know that most of this is just inside my head and I need to ignore it but it is hard. I need to focus on how good it makes me feel when I am running and on my goal of completing that 5k in may back at Nipmuc 10 years after I graduated. I know I wont be as fast as I was then I just want to be proud of myself for completing the 5K and running the whole thing. I am hoping that being on vacation this week (from one job at least) and really being able to focus on myself including my running will help me get some of my confidence back. Until I get into the swing of things its going to be a daily struggle with myself and I just have to accept that. I also just have to put positive pictures in my head of myself doing well.

The last few months

It has been a very long time since I last wrote a post. A lot has happened since then. While I had done well focusing on myself this summer it pretty much fell apart shortly into the school year. I fell into a bit of a depression. I dont know what all of my triggers were but I do know some of them. It didnt help that due to my sisters car troubles I was pretty much living alone. I am not the type of person who should really be living alone. As most of you know I like to talk too much :) . I also began to seperate myself from my friends and family. I didnt do this on purpose but it happened. I put up a front so no one could see how horrible I was really feeling on the inside and how bad I was falling apart. It was pretty easy to do considering I made it so I only talked to most of my friends on facebook. Looking back I can see I was being a bit cynical because at the same time I was hiding my feeling and refusing to ask for help, I was telling my student every day that it was ok to ask for hel[ and to not be afraid to ask for help. Even at 27, I struggle with asking for help and wanting everyone to see me as this perfectly strong and independent woman. I struggle with anyone and I do mean anyone (even family) seeing my weaknesses. Out of all of my fears being considered weak is probably one of the biggest ones probably because being seen as weak then could lead to dissapointing friends and family. A combination of this fear and several other issues that I am not yet ready to get into (many of them are minor but just piled on top of each other) are what lead to my depression. my depression then lead to me beginning to fall apart again. I stopped taking the best care of myself. I stopped caring (or I told myself I did) what happened to me or what others saw. This made for a very few rough months in the beginning of the school year. I fell further and further into a depressed state. The good news is I am making my way out of it. Thanks to an intervention with my family and some wonderful help on their part from all ends. I stopped seeing myself as helpless, and started doing things for myself again. I started making goals for myself. I realy examined my life and looked into what was really important to me. All of this has made everything so much easier, I also have some amazing friends. many of whom didnt know what was really going on, but somehow it felt like they knew when I needed something from them, whether it was just saying hi and asking how things were going, reminding myself to take care of myself, or unkowingly sharing a quote that was something I needed to hear. I have started working out again (slowly but that will increase) I am going to run a half marathon in October. I am working 2 jobs and close to 70 hours a week, but it feels good. I feel like I am back on the right track. I am also making more of an effort to include my family and my friends into how I am doing/feeling. I am also making sure that even though I work 70 hours a week I plan things in that I can look forward to, like seeing friends over February break :). I know every week wont be good but as long as I keep working on it things will keep improving.